She locks eyes with me as she approaches the table, and something clenches around my heart. The hustle and bustle of the restaurant ceases to exist, all the noises and chatter fading into the background, as if her walking in could stop the entire world from spinning on its axis.
“Hi,” she says. “Is it okay if I sit?”
“Hi, of course,” the words tumble out of my mouth. “I wasn’t sure if you would come after yesterday,” I admit.
“Neither was I,” she responds, fidgeting with a loose straw wrapper.
“I’m really happy you did,” I reply, covering her hand with mine. It grants me a small smile, but she still pulls away. She’s hesitant, guarded like she still hasn’t fully committed to being here in this diner with me.
“So,” I clear my throat, “Like I said, I saw you at the game the other night, right before I got my ass handed to me by the other team.”
She looks down at her hands but doesn’t say anything. I press on, figuring it’s better to rip the Band-Aid straight off.
“You were holding a boy on your hip, smiling at him.”
Still no response.
“Why does he look like me, Kendall? Why does he look like the perfect mix of both of us?” I ask sharply. Surely it had been a trick my mind was playing on me. I was exhausted from the game, crumbling underneath the pressure, my head conjuring things, seeing things that weren’t there. Because the alternative, keeping a lie that big? That’s so much worse.
I watch her swallow, but she won’t meet my eyes. And I know instantly without her saying a word.
“Is he mine?” It comes out as barely more than a whisper.
“Yes. He’s yours. His name is Akio.” And I feel the world shifting beneath my feet, my heart starting to come apart at the seams.
“Why…how could you keep this from me?” I raise my voice, on the verge of yelling in this cozy diner with elderly couples and families surrounding us.
“I don’t expect you to understand my reasons or my choices, but I was trying to protect you,” she states as if that’s some sort of rational explanation.
“Protect me? You have been hiding my son from me for two and a half years, Kendall. How the hell is that protecting me?” I demand.
It doesn’t make any sense. Why hide him? Why lie about having the abortion and why is she telling me about him now? Pain, confusion, resentment all fight for space in my head. I never thought she was capable of this kind of betrayal. And I really want to hate her for it, for everything she’s put me through. Every lie, every secret, every bit of darkness I succumbed to over the past couple years. Every time I put a bottle to my lips hoping to drown out the memory of her. I’m so fucking tempted to walk away from her without a second thought and never look back. But it’s not just about me anymore. I owe it to myself and my son to get answers.
Holy.
Shit.
I.
Have.
A.
Son.
Chapter 6
Kendall
2016
Tomoveforward,weneed to go back, back to the beginning. Well, almost the beginning. There are some moments in life that serve as a demarcation, a line in the sand, when something so pivotal occurs that you categorize time into before and after that moment. This was one of those moments, so small yet so impactful I felt like time itself was frozen. I stare at the pregnancy test, tears sliding down my face and fear settling in my gut. The two pink lines are like a sledgehammer to my heart. Unable to accept what I already knew to be true before I peed on this stick, I chuck it in the small garbage can and sink down to the bathroom floor. I peel my knees up to my face and wrap my arms around my legs, letting loose uncontrollable sobs.
How did this happen? I mean, I knowhowit happened, I was familiar with basic biological processes. But we had been so careful. I was on birth control and if I had forgotten to take it, Kai would use condoms. Then I remember the day we found out Kai had been drafted to the NHL. We had a celebratory dinner with both our families. We went out for drinks with our small but close-knit group of college friends. We had both gotten sodrunk we called an Uber to take us back to my apartment. Then Kai and I had celebrated privately on the table, in the shower, and again the next morning in my bed. We had clearly been too far gone to use any precautions. Fuck. I cry harder thinking about how I could possibly break this news to him when he had his whole future and career ahead of him. We both did. God, I love him so much and I know he loves me. We can figure this out. He’ll know what to do. Everything will be fine.
Right?
Chapter 7
