Kendall
Hewringshishandsand picks at his cuticles the same way he used to when he was younger. He’s different in some ways, more assertive. He has a quiet confidence now and shadows in his eyes that weren’t there three years ago. But I know there’s bits and pieces of the old Kai in there too. The Kai I had known so well and loved even more. Like the way he gently touched my hand when I sat down, reassuring me without saying a word. Even if I didn’t deserve it. He’s still Kai—the same, but different. I wonder how he feels about me. Do I seem familiar and foreign to him at the same time? I wonder but don’t ask—there’s too many other things I’m thinking, feeling, desperately wanting to say but can’t. Instead, I stare at a piece of the ripped leather booth behind Kai’s shoulder and focus my attention there, willing myself to breathe in and out.
“I don’t know what to say, Kai. I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. I couldn’t be the reason your life and dreams were destroyed…” I clench my hands hard to try and stop the tears that are burning my eyes, my fingernails digging into my palms.
“I made an appointment. But in the end, I couldn’t do it.” I turn my head away from him needing to collect myself. I quickly wipe away a stray tear and continue “I knew he was meant to be in this world, and I was supposed to be his mom. I had made my choice as hard as it was, and I wasn’t sure you would have made the same one.” It was a half-truth, part of the story, but not the whole thing. He glares at me, his large, calloused hands in fists on the table. The temper I had only seen a few times starting to rise to the surface. The thing about Kai though, is he reserves his anger for people and situations that truly push him past a breaking point. The person on the receiving end usually deserves his fury. I know I did. I wait for the hurled insults, the hatred, the storm. But it never comes. Instead, I watch him carefully try to reel his frustration in the best he can. He tilts his head, studying me, contemplating.
Does he realize the regret has consumed me whole at this point, like a flesh-eating virus? Can he see right through every lie I’ve ever told him?
Of course he can. He was always good at that. Seeing me even when I didn’t want to be seen. Whatever he was going to say, he thinks better of it.
He lets out a long sigh, head pressed against the booth and replies, “That’s the thing, Ken. You took away all my choices when you broke my heart and cut me out of your life and I have spent every day of the last two years wondering what I did to deserve that, how I lost the love of my life.” I can still see the pain and anguish I caused him; it’s written all over his face. I’m unable to stop the tears now, knowing how much I had hurt both of us. It would be better if he hated me, if he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me. Anything would be better than this nightmare I’ve created.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kai,” I say, my voice trembling. “I’m so sorry,” I sob. He immediately slides into thebooth next to me, wrapping me up in his arms. Of course, his first instinct is to soothe me, protect me. I melt into his warm, solid chest and take comfort in the fact that his scent of pine, spice, and something achingly familiar hasn’t changed.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispers.
I shake my head and let out a garbled laugh, “No it’s not. None of this is okay.”
“It’s not. But I think it will be.”
We decide to finish our conversation privately and take his coffee and my tea to go. With my purse in one hand and earl grey tea in the other, I follow him to his car. Once we’re both seated inside his black Audi, he ends the silence.
“I think we can take a break from the heavy for a while, if that’s okay with you? Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to, aside from working at Kip’s.”
He’s offering me an out, a temporary reprieve from pouring gallons of salt into old wounds and I’m grateful for it.
“I only work at Kip’s periodically because the tips are too good to pass up. Full time I work as a paralegal at a firm a few towns over. I’m trying to save up enough money for law school tuition, but putting away money has been…challenging with a two-and-a-half-year-old,” I explain.
“Wait, back up, what happened to law school?” he wonders, confusion on his face. Right, because as far as he knew, I moved to North Carolina to attend law school. I gulp, embarrassed about all the lies I’ve intricately woven between us over the past couple years, lies intended to keep him far away from our life. And now here I am, sitting in his car. I’ve never been this close to someone and felt so far away at the same time. The history between us feels insurmountable and the baggage weighing us down is a noose around my throat. It’s robbing me of oxygen.
What the hell am I thinking meeting up with him?
“I never went. I mean, I did move to North Carolina to live with my aunt for a while. But I never attended law school. It just didn’t work out,” I admit awkwardly.
“That would have been nice to know,” he mutters under his breath, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.
“What do you mean?” my eyes flick to the wheel and back to him.
“Clearly there’s a lot I don’t know about you. Just forget it,” he says sharply, clearly agitated.
“Yeah, I guess there is. I’m sorry, Kai…” I trail off quietly.
“It’s fine…so Akio, is he in daycare?” he asks, quickly changing subjects.
“Yeah, three days a week. Then I’m usually home with him one day a week and he’s with my mom another day.” Trying to keep the conversation casual and upbeat, I say, “This wasn’t the car I was expecting you to drive.”
“What’s not to like about the Audi?” he smirks, any hint of earlier frustration has disappeared from his face.
“It’s a little loud for you, over the top,” I observe. But something tells me he already knows that.
“Well, I am one of the highest paid players in the league.”
“A little cocky, are we?” I joke and playfully roll my eyes.
He laughs, a deep rumble that I feel in my bones. I forgot how much I missed his laugh, his smile. The planes of his face, the scar that runs through his left eyebrow. His dark eyes that I could drown in. Everything about him really. He’s still devastatingly handsome, that is not lost on me. I haven’t been able to get his beautiful face out of my head for the last sixteen hours.
Who am I kidding, I haven’t been able to get him out of my system in three years.
