“What do you mean youaren’tin Boston? You didn’t go to practice today?” he huffs disapprovingly.
“I’m in North Carolina,” I reply. I tilt my chin up to the sky, pinching the bridge of my nose as I wait for my dad’s response.
“What the hell are you doing in North Carolina when you should be at practice, Kai? You do recall you are an important contributing member of the NHL now, right?” God he can be such a condescending prick.
“It’s nothing, Dad. I’m flying back tomorrow morning and I’ll be home in time for practice,” I say flatly. I don’t have the time or patience for him right now.
“It sure as hell isn’t nothing if you are flying off on a whim and missing practice,” he barks. “I thought you were done partying and fucking around. I thought you were ready to lock in and get your head right. You said you were going to be focused. Youneedto be focused, Kai.”
“I am. I’m trying. There’s just some things I need to do.”
“Is this about Kendall?” He says her name like it’s an annoyance, an inconvenience rather than the love of my fucking life.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” That’s it. No follow up, no questions. Nothing. He’s a piece of fucking work. The least he can do is pretend to give a shit.
“Yeah, okay. Just,” there’s a brief pause. “You know what, never mind.” I’m holding my breath waiting for him to say something, anything that would indicate he cares about this major disruption to my life. This hole in my heart I’ve been trying to fill with so many things that all eventually added up to nothing. But I know by now he isn’t going to.
“Listen, I got to go. Thanks for the wellness check. I’ll talk to you later,” I say, hanging up on him. I’m already preparing myself for the inevitable, for what happens when this doesn’t work. If I can’t find Kendall. The moment I have to force myselfto move on without her. I can’t deal with my dad’s bullshit and his need to control everything and everyone around him on top of it. It feels like the walls are closing in on me, my world collapsing around me. If there is one person who knows what that is like, who has been there, who can help me see my way through it, it’s my mom. She picks up on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, mom.”
“Hey, Kai, is everything okay? Are you with your dad?” she asks.
“No. I just talked to him though.” I pause. “I’m in North Carolina.”
“You’re in North Carolina…” she repeats.
“Yup.”
“Because?”
I take a deep breath. “Because I thought maybe I could find her,” I clarify.
“Ah okay. You thought you would fly down there, find her, make a grand gesture, and right all the wrongs?” she offers.
I laugh dryly. “Yeah, I mean it sounds kind of ridiculous when you put it like that,” I admit.
“Not ridiculous. I know how much she meant to you, means to you. You guys were each other's first loves. You were together for almost six years. That’s longer than most people’s marriages last nowadays. That’s not nothing, Kai.”
No, it isn’t. In fact, to me, it feels like everything.Shefeels like everything.
“Not you and dad though. You guys have been happily married for what? Twenty years now?” I ask.
“Twenty-six next year. You know what that means though, don’t you? You guys were together for so long it’s going to take a lot longer than you want to recover from it.”
“I’m not ready to let her go, Mom. I love her. I was going to marry her. I’m still not convinced that I won’t someday,” I respond, feeling my pocket for the small velvet box that was there. “What do I do?” I ask hopelessly.
“You keep looking. You keep searching. If you find her, you fight like hell for her. If you don’t, I think you try letting her go. Whatever that looks like. If it’s meant to work out with her, it will. Maybe she just needs some time and space right now.”
“Okay, but what do I do with—“
“With all the pain?” she asks intuitively.
