He’s always been there, floating around my periphery, hiding in the darkest, forbidden corners of my mind. Tucked away butnever forgotten. The sudden realization impales my chest like an ice pick. My memory of him, all my memories of us together didn’t do him one ounce of justice.
“Not cocky, just stating facts.” He grins. “Your hair is different, shorter,” he adds, running a finger through a loose curl. That simple touch alone sends my head and heart into a tailspin.
“So is yours. It looks good.” I don’t know why I added that last part, the compliment. I certainly don’t need to, but Iwantto. My therapist says I need to spend less time second guessing myself and more time trusting my gut. I blame the compliment that feels dangerously close to flirting on my gut.
“So, if you don’t mind me asking, are you…seeing anyone?”
I know he’s trying to tread carefully but curiosity seems to draw this question out of him.
I clasp my hands together in my lap, trying to decide how I want to respond.
“It’s okay, Ken, you don’t have to—"
I cut him off, “I want to. I’ve had two short term relationships since we broke up. Nothing serious. Again, hard to date with Akio, also significantly lowers the dating pool.” I laugh half-heartedly. “What about you?”Please say no, please say no. I don’t think I can handle hearing he is in a serious relationship. He purses his lips together, in deep thought.
“I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve been with a lot of women…mostly in an attempt to get over you. A few short-term girlfriends. Nothing seemed to stick.”
Oh, thank god. Relief floods my veins. My frantic heart nearly bursts out of my chest. Every part of me aches for him, aches for who we used to be together.
“Why don’t you hate me, Kai? You should hate me and I would understand if you did.”
“I wanted to. I tried to. I convinced myself that I did. But seeing you today, I know that’s not true. This, us, Akio is more complicated than that. There’s a lot of layers to it. I don’t think that’s how our story ends.”
“Do you want to meet him? Akio?” I ask shakily.
“Yes, of course. I wanted to ask but didn’t want to be presumptuous or push too hard. We have games the next two weeks up and down the East coast, so I’ll be traveling. But how about when I get back? Would that be okay?”
“Sure,” I reply.
“Do you have pictures of him on your phone?” he wonders.
I smirk. “Do I have pictures of him? I could fill up three phones with the pictures I have.” I pull out my phone and scroll through my camera roll, tilting my phone in Kai’s direction, “Here’s us at the park. He loves the swings.” He stares at my phone in admiration of his son,our son.
“You can scroll through more if you want. Most of my pictures are of him anyway.” He continues going through pictures of Akio, smiling the entire time. At one point, I think I see tears forming in his eyes, but he quickly blinks them away. He hands my phone back to me.
“Thank you for showing me him and meeting with me today.”
“Of course. You don’t have to thank me, Kai. It was the least I could do after…”After I broke your heart and betrayed your trust. After I went to great lengths to erase you from my life. I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence out loud, so I don’t. He nods silently. We exchange contact information before we part ways. I have to meet the babysitter—I told her I’d only be gone for two hours when I begged her last minute to watch Akio. Kai has an early afternoon practice to make, but he promises to get in touch with me as soon as he’s home in two weeks.
I think about Kai the entire ride home, our past, our conversation, my head reeling with questions. As I pull into myapartment complex, I hear my phone vibrate with a text in the console beside me. Goosebumps prick my arms, and I know it’s him without having to look.
I couldn’t wait two weeks.
Not when I’ve gone almost three years without you.
I’m glad you didn’t.
I reread the text five times, a mixture of hope and excitement fluttering in my chest and it’s promptly undercut by feelings of dread. Finally, the impact of what I had done weighs on me. What if this went spectacularly wrong? What if all this conversation did was make things worse? What if Kai meeting Akio was a terrible idea? But I don’t let myself spiral any further. I refuse to resign us to failure before we even begin. Because that’s what this feels like, a new beginning. I turn the key and cut the engine, staring at the Lego keychain with my son’s name on it. I remember the only man who deserves all my love and attention is waiting for me inside.
Chapter 8
Kai
“Again,runitagain!”Coach yells from the middle of the ice. “Not sure where your head is at today but it’s not fucking here, Matsumoto!” Since I saw Kendall yesterday, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. My head is in a million different places, none of which are here at practice.
I wanted to scream and tell her all the things I’ve been dying to say to her. I had this overwhelming urge to shake her by the shoulders and demand answers. But I didn’t do any of that. I couldn’t. Instead, I played the part of caring and empathetic ex-boyfriend against my better judgement. I listened to her. I made small talk. I even flirted with her for fucks sake. Like she hasn’t been harboring a life altering secret. Like she didn’t rip my heart from my chest, drag it over hot coals, and leave me to bleed out alone. But it was clear neither of us were ready for a deeper conversation. Just seeing each other, sitting across the table from her was enough of a shock. Reconnecting with Kendall after being deprived of her for so long felt like a punch to the gut. And at the same time, I felt like I could finally come up for air.This razor thin line between love and hate, passion and pain, are fucking with my head and my game.
I miss an easy pass and then two more. My shots are sloppy and most of them don’t make it near the goal. I fuck up the last offensive play we run, a play I’ve done a hundred times perfectly. I breathe a sigh of relief when Coach finally blows the whistle. Everyone skates towards the locker room but I hear him bark from behind me, “Matsumoto, a minute?” I quickly turn around and skate over to him, knowing I’m about to be chewed out. He’s tall but I still tower over him. He stares at me with his eyes narrowed and arms folded, his face unreadable. But I know he’s pissed. I’d be pissed if I were coaching me right now too.
