Deckard’s head hung lower as though he bore the weight of her disappointment alone. “I know,” he said.
“Having Hewitt with us these past weeks has been wonderful,” she continued. “Being around him, speaking with him—it has made the pain easier in so many ways. But it’s also made it harder, knowing that these are truly our last moments.”
Deckard nodded. “I’ve felt the same. I know he and I haven’t always gotten along, but he became very important to me. He gave me you, after all. Losing him will be like losing a part of who we are. I think that’s why I summoned him in the first place. I needed him;weneeded him.”
Evylin grinned tenderly, knowing he was right.
Deckard’s eyes fell to her hands, resting upon the saddle. Somehow, she knew he was staring at her rings. The ivy and onyx bands—representations of her past and their future, Hewitt and Deckard.
“Sometimes,” Deckard whispered, “I think we still need him.”
Evylin pressed her lips together, sadness rising with her. “I’ll always need him,” she agreed.
Deckard met her gaze, worry bleeding out of him. “No, I meantweneed him. As a couple.”
“In what way?”
The sunlight turned his gaze light blue as his expression grew adamant. “He’s the only reason I have you, Evylin,” he said softly. “And I’m afraid...” He paused, wet his bottom lip, and tried again. “I’m afraid that without him, I’ll fail you. Without his knowledge and guidance, I fear that I can’t be the man you need me to be.”
“Jonn—”
Letting the others ride ahead, he pulled his horse to a stop. When she’d done the same, he took hold of her hand. “In order to release Hewitt, I have towantto let him go, Evylin. I have to mean it with everything inside me. Otherwise, it might not take effect.”
Evylin stared at him with wary hesitation.
“I don’t want to do it,” he admitted. “Not only because I’ll miss him, and not simply because it will break your heart a second time. I don’t want to lose him because I’m afraid it will mean losing you.”
Evylin leaned forward, tightening her grip on him. “You can’t lose me, Jonn. We’re Bonded, remember,” she said with a smile. “You’re stuck with me for good.”
Though he tried to return the grin, it fell woefully short. “But I can disappoint you.”
Evylin froze, eyes locked with her husband’s as they bored into her. “I can fail you,” he continued. “Everything I’ve done, every right choice I’ve made, I had Hewitt to help me make it. He’s the reason we married, the reason you came to trust me, the very reason I ever knew how to care for you. Without him, how can I ever be the man you need?”
For the first time in her life, Evylin realized just how much Hewitt had held her back. Had anyone tried to tell her before this moment, she would have cursed them, rejecting the claim. But staring into Deckard’s soft, concerned gaze, she finally knew the truth.
Pulling her hand from his, Evylin took hold of Deckard’s face and kissed him. Their horses shied uncomfortably away from one another, keeping the caress light and quick.
“What was that for?” Deckard asked.
Evylin brushed her thumb across his stubbled jawline. “It was an apology.” His brow pinched together, so she explained. “I’m sorry I ever let Hewitt stand between us.”
Deckard’s lips parted to contradict her, but she held up a hand to refuse his objection. “I loved my uncle more than anyone,” she said. “Possibly more than life itself. And I’m only now realizing that if I hadn’t idolized him the way I did, I would have loved you—trusted you—far sooner. We would have been happier. And you never would have cause to fear failing me.”
“If you hadn’t regarded him so highly,” Deckard said determinedly, “you wouldn’t have married me.”
Evylin pressed her hand to his chest. “I already told you,” she said. “Whether we married then or months later, we would haveended up together. Had you asked to write to me, I would have said yes, and our marriage would have followed.”
“I would have failed my assignment and gone to Ostwatch,” he said.
“You still would have saved the prince,” she reminded.
“Carlile only selected us for the Alliance because of you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “Say you’re right, and you were assigned to Ostwatch. I would have married you even then.”
“I wouldn’t have asked.”
Evylin frowned. “Why not?”
