My phone pings a few minutes later with a video attachment from Lev. Oh god. Do I watch it? It may help, seeing them die, to help me move on, won’t it? According to Aaron it was awesome.
My fear is, will it set me back to remember the feeling of being back there in that room?
Back in my room, I lay on top of my bed and run my finger over the play button on the video Lev sent me. I’m hesitant. Noah said to kill the demons before they kill me. Does the same apply when watching those demons die? Will it stop them eating away at every part of me until I become a shell of myself?
Fuck it. I press play.
I can’t blink. I can’t breathe. And it’s not because of the violence. It’s because of the sexy ass guy who is shirtless, sweaty and tinged with blood. This is supposed to be an exercise to rid me of my nightmares, of the hold that family has over me. Not a version of porn that I’m willing to lap up in the name of Carlos.
The sound of the whip as he assaults Enrico, doesn't match the sounds of the whip when it was happening to me. It’s different. Instead of reliving the pain and humiliation, it triggers a very different response. Desire. And I’m pretty sure that's all because of Carlos. He looks phenomenal. His sweaty tanned skin calls to me like an ice-cream on a hot day. I want to lick it. With the salty sweat and trickles of blood, what would that combination taste like?
My cock is awake and I’ve found myself a new kink. Watching Carlos beat the fuck out of someone when he’s half naked. That's my thing. He’s tired now from the lashing he’s giving, his muscles are extra defined from the exertion, his panting comes through the speaker like he is right next to me.
I’m painfully aroused, so I pull my joggers and underwear down enough to release my dick. It bounces in excitement as I spit in my hand and get to work. I’ve no time to waste, no time for teasing. Only cumming matters right now. Just as Noah starts to take over, I rewind the video and watch Carlos again. I can’t take my eyes off him. I rub my dick with a strong grip and fast strokes, repeatedly spitting in my hands to make sure my hand glides with ease. My orgasm starts to build to a peak, I begin to pant, wanting to cum but also wanting to make it last. My toes curl as I watch Carlos’ abdomen flex with every blow to the back he serves Enrico. It’s stunning.
“Oooh shit,” I gasp, closing my eyes and focusing on the sound of Carlos’ rapid breathing, just like he does when he’s about to cum when fucking me.
On the last crack of the whip, I groan as I cum like a champ. Fuck me, I needed this. I needed to feel good. I drop my phone to my side on the bed, the video continues to play in the background as I try to gather myself. I need a shower.
Grabbing the tissues from beside my bed, I quickly clean up, only to hear Gabriel’s voice from the video. They filmed that too. I swipe my phone up and watch as Carlos torments his father and that dumb old man, Bruno. The anger that I felt while there comes back tenfold, the bastards talk about me like I’m nothing. But Carlos stands by me. Holds his ground as he shows them they are not in control.
Lev moves the camera around and I see the array of people there and realize what Carlos did. He risked his life to ensure I had mine. He risked his life to make his own way.
My mind is split in two. I can understand rationally that he was in no position to take on his family alone. But the other part of me, the needy part, wanted him to try. Maybe it’s my screwed up head. If that shit with Mr. Morgan and Leo hadn’t happened, then maybe I wouldn’t be such a fuck up. Being out in the open with a man would be easy. The thought that Carlos was abandoning me in that moment wouldn't have even entered my head. The problem is that I can’t separate the two issues. My past and present.
I need to stop thinking before I have a full breakdown. Tonight I will use it as a starting point to get myself back on track, a drink with the boys will help the old Simon to come back. To return to the fold like I never left. With only a few extra scars.
40
SIMON
“Y ou look good, Simon,” Tyler says as I approach him and Kai in the front hallway. “Thanks. Jules letting you out on your own, Kai?” I ask and Kai crosses his arms. “Why do you all think I’m not allowed out on my own?” he says.
“Maybe because he has a tracker on your phone and he is within touching distance of you ninety percent of the time,” Tyler says, and Kai is less than impressed.
“Actually it's ninety eight percent of the time and I’m not sorry,” Jules says before grabbing Kai by the neck and kissing him like they’ve been apart for several days. I doubt it was more than several minutes.
“Where’s Ivan?” Jules asks Tyler.
“He’s already at the bar,” Tyler says.
“Did you see him in that video?” I ask Tyler and he looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“What do you think? I’d prefer not to know about that stuff.”
“You should watch it. It’s funny how he fucked up one of his new inventions,” Jules says, laughing.
“I’m not listening,” Ty says as he walks outside and we follow.
Jules drives us in one of the SUVs to the bar, Starlight. I don’t get to come here much as I always work at the strip club.
As we walk into the bar, it's busy but not crazy. A band is playing on the stage, and the mood is seductive and chill. This is just what I need.
“Hey, glad you could make it,” Seb says from across the bar, just as Dima approaches.
“Nice to see you out of the house, Simon,” Dima says. He looks at me knowingly. He wants to ask about the other stuff. About Carlos.
“It would be even better if I had a drink in my hand,” I say.
