No matter how upset Adam leaving made me, my body aches for it to be him standing on the other side of the door. I don’t want to be alone. Maybe I should have told him to stay, but maybe it was him that needed the space.
I tilt my head up to the ceiling…
Please let it be him.
Taking a deep breath, I look through the peephole and see Adam on the other side.
My knees go weak as relief floods my body.
When I open the door, I wrap my arms around myself to keep from jumping into his arms—he came back, but I don’t know if he’ll stay.
Adam takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’m not better at this.”
I feel his words deep in my chest. I wish I was, too. “That’s okay, I can’t say I’m handling it all that well either…but I didn’t want you to leave. I should have said that.”
“No, I shouldn’t have suggested leaving. I’m sorry. I want to help you get through this, and I thought that maybe me being here was too much pressure…but honestly, Mia, I think I was just so terrified. I still am.”
I can see it all over his face. “I get it. I’m going out of my mind with this news, but?—”
Adam steps to me, his hands running slowly up and down my arms for a moment.
“Mia, I want to be terrified with you. No matter what.” He tilts my head up by my chin. “Can I please stay here with you tonight?”
All I can manage is a nod from the lump stuck in my throat.
His hands move, caressing my cheeks softly, and after a few swipes of his thumb, my tears stop. I inhale the smell of him that I simply will never be able to describe fully, but love so much.
Something about it is so comforting that I actually feel my brain starting to calm down. I wrap my arms tightly around hisneck. I may not have my mind fully made up on what to do next, but I can’t say I’m ready to lose him…
What if the decision I make is wrong and we don’t work out?
I really want us to work out.
“I know this probably sounds so extremely selfish, but I can’t give you an answer tonight about what I want to do.”
“Hey, you don’t have to.” He places a hurried kiss on my head. “You’re not being selfish.”
An ache comes to my chest. All of my confidence and self-assurance are depleted.
I don’t know what kind of well my body has for all these tears, but more start to stream down my cheeks. However, this time, they aren’t spurred by panic or anger for him leaving…I feel like I’m mourning a relationship that hasn’t even ended yet.
I hear that freaking doctor’s voice in my head.“You’re pregnant.”
I guess in a way our relationshiphasended. I can hope for the best, but we’ll never be what we were before this. Not the same people. Not the same couple. Everything will change and neither of us can do anything to fix it.
A small part of me was worried I’d wake up this morning feeling like crap and regret having Adam stay the night. Or the worst fear of waking up and him not being here…
But before my eyes even flutter open, I feel Adam’s strong arms holding me softly. I inhale that clean, comforting scent and for a moment everything else fades away.
What I wouldn’t give to just be in bed with his warmth forever. To feel this cared for…this protected… We got life-altering news last night, and I’ve cried more than I have in well over a decade, but this moment is bliss, even if it’s fleeting.
Last night I knew I had to put any decision-making thoughts on the back burner. I couldn’t consider the idea of not having this baby, but also couldn’t wrap my mind around the reality that I’d be a mom.
But I know I can’t sit on this decision for much longer. The indecisiveness alone doesn’t help me and causes a whole different spiral. It’s time for me to make a decision. Have this baby or don’t.
I can’t say I thought Adam would be the type to run for the hills, and while I do think he was just as scared about the news as I was…I want to believe he’s genuinely here for me.
Maybe we can do this, or maybe it’s wishful thinking.
