One I haven’t called in nearly a decade.
“Well, well, well, you want to tell me what I just watched on my fucking TV, Reyer?” my old high school coach says before I can even say hello.
“You saw that, huh?”
“Of course I did. I always watch your games,” he huffs. “At least this time you didn’t punch anybody.”
“Shit, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut this time.”
“That’s not like you, Adam.” His tone softens. “You know…I haven’t heard from you in a long time. That’s not to guilt you, just an observation. What’s going on?”
“I got my girl pregnant.” I sit in the silence that we seem to get every time we tell anyone. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that it’s huge news in general or that it’s coming from me and Mia that makes it so damn shocking. “We’ve only just started our relationship, but I care a whole lot for her. I’m falling in love with her, really…” I trail off, not entirely sure how to continue.
“Am I saying the ‘but’?”
Itsk. Good to know he still knows me well. Talking to Jett and Dex was one thing…but talking to the man who made me who I am now…I need to air all of this shit out, or I fear it might suffocate me at this point.
“This wasn’t the plan. We were safe—it just happened, whether there was a hole I didn’t see or just the universe thinking it’d be a funny joke. I keep fucking seeing my father’s face in my head, and I hate it. I thought I’d try to replace it with Mia’s…give me something to hold on to while I try to wrap my head around being a dad, but then today we found out that in order for her to get the house she always dreamed of bringing her baby home to, we have to get married.”
I sputter a laugh in pure defeat. “I would marry her if that’s what she wanted. It’s not her that gives me hesitation, it’s just all of it at once, and I had never really thought of any of it until her. Even then, I thought it was at least a few years down the road.”
Shit, now that I’ve started, I can’t stop.
“My buddy told me to stop worrying about the what-ifs and focus on something else, but I can’t. I’ve been in what-if mode my entire life. All I know how to do is think of every outcome and try to prepare myself. I did that to get out of that fucking house, to be where I am today, and now I don’t know how to make a decision without feeling like it’s the wrong one, and I’m going to fuck it up.” I swallow hard and say the one what-if that’s been haunting me.
I’d never be able to voice it to anyone else.
“I told her I’d tell her about my parents. I know I have to—especially before we get married, if that’s what we decide to do. Coach, what if she’s scared of me? What if something snaps and I end up like him? Hell, look at the times I’ve been thrown out. Clearly I have a temper. I’ve hit someone before—what if there’s more of him in me than I thought?”
“No, son, stop right there. I’m hearing you, but those instances are very different. I’ll explain why in just a second, but you are never allowed to compare yourself to Harrison Reyer. I’ve coached athletes who went on to be doctors, pilots, hell, I think one’s a neurosurgeon, but the one I’m proudest of isyou. It’s insulting to me that you would compare yourself to him, do you understand?”
I’d agree with him, but I can’t find the will to speak. In my core, I know he’s right, but I don’t know how to move on from this fear. Hell, I didn’t realize it was one until yesterday.
“Even if we weren’t on the phone and I could actually see your face—I would still demand a verbal response. I’ll sit on this line all night if that’s what it takes.”
I take three strong breaths. “I understand.”
“Good, now, what happened tonight and the game over a year ago are two very different situations. Every athlete in their life—not just a professional career—has arguments with other people. It’s human nature. Not everyone’s going to get along. Sometimes you’ll say more than you mean and probably owe a couple people apologies, but that’s not the same thing.
“Now, since I know you called me for honesty, I’m going to give it to you. I didn’t love watching that fight a year ago, but I know you. A line had to have been crossed. One, I’m assuming, wasn’t involved in that game, am I right?”
I hang my head with a sigh. “Yes, sir, he did something unspeakable to Callie.”
“Is your sister okay? That pitcher she’s with is a good guy?”
“She is now. Will’s one of the best guys I know.”
“Good. One wrong act doesn’t necessarily mean you’re violent or worth being afraid of. Tell me your other what-ifs, let’s work ’em out.”
“Right now?”
“Got somewhere better to be? You’re not playing, and you did call me for a reason.”
I look around the empty locker room and hear the roars of the game still going on outside.
“Yeah, I did…what if we get married and she regrets it? I really want to go all in. I don’t want to lose her.”
“So, go all in. Remind me of her name, so I can refer to her properly.”
