“Mia.” My smile grows as I say it.
“Any reason to believe Mia also doesn’t want to go all in?”
“No, it’s just a fear. You add a baby to that mix…what if I fuck up my kid in a completely different way?”
“You probably will. I think as parents we all do a little. My dad is one of my favorite people in this world. I know he did hisbest, but he was far from perfect, Adam. Your kid won’t need perfection from you. You, as the parent, want to give it, but it’s impossible—you can give your best and that’s it. The same goes for marriage. You and Mia won’t be perfect, but you have to keep showing up. Hell, if you didn’t give up a pipe dream you had in high school to make it to the Major Leagues, then, son, you can do this. What’s next?”
“I don’t think Mia’s only reason for considering getting married is for the house…I mean, we haven’t exactly agreed on that yet, but even her parents were okay with it?—”
“Did they tell you that?”
“Yeah, I met them today. First time meeting the parents and I had to tell them I got their daughter pregnant.” I huff a weak laugh. “Her dad was rightfully hesitant, but it’s so clear he loves his daughter. They’ll be amazing grandparents, and Mia will be an incredible mother…and as much as I love her, what if I’m the one who’s holding her back? I have a demanding job. I’m traveling all the time. The people I have to help support will be traveling with me, so then I just, what? Leave her? What if she’s better off with someone else? What if down the road she resents me? Not necessarily the marriage, butme.”
The weight of getting these fears off my chest feels really good, but hearing them is a completely different story. I hate admitting them. I’ve told Mia I’m terrified but not like this…not the full ugly reality of my fears.
“More than anything, I want to be a father and husband she’s proud of. One who can give her everything she wants, but now every plan she’s had I’ve thrown off course.”
“You know what they say about plans. You can make them all you want, but the good Lord…the universe…hell, Mother Nature, they all laugh.”
“Well, I’m sure as shit lost on the joke.”
“But do you feel better? Getting all of that off your chest, or is there more?”
Now it’s my turn for silence. I don’t know if that’s all. For the first time in over a decade, I feel like that helpless kid just trying to make it through the day.
“Look, there are many ways to look at this. There are real arguments to be made that getting married is a practical choice. Tax breaks, insurance, parental rights. Yes, you could get another place, push off marriage, nothing wrong with that. I get wishing the answer of what to do next was an obvious decision, but you said you can’t picture a life without her… The life you had in mind or the one she did may not look how you thought it would. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
Fuck. I take the phone away from my ear and rest my head on my hand. Up until now, all the tears that have been shed were Mia’s.
Bringing it back to my ear, I take a deep breath. “I don’t think I ever really knew what it could look like, let alone how it would feel to care so much about a person.”
“Of course you didn’t. It’s okay, Adam. I swear, in my heart, I know how good of a husband and father you are going to be. In the wake of everything your father did to you, you never gave up. Where are you right now?”
Straightening my spine, I take a deep breath. “In the clubhouse.”
“What are you wearing?”
“My Blues uniform.”
“Why? Because you played baseball your entire life? Every waking moment of your childhood you had a ball in your hand?”
“No.”
“Because your dad paid for you to be there?”
“Fuck no.”
“That’s right. You earned it. You never gave up, and I saw that drive in you. I saw the potential. Called every fucking scout I knew to come see you, and they all saw it, too. I’d bet my life fucking savings that Mia sees it, too.
“I think you’ve had enough tough love for this phone call, so I’m going to wrap it up. I do think you should tell Mia about your parents. You two are in this for life, married or not, so telling her is a good call. It also protects your child in the future so that Mia knows just how much they don’t deserve to even have the knowledge of their grandchild. I might be a little biased, but no one could convince me otherwise.”
I huff a laugh. I couldn’t agree with him more.
“And when you call me in the next decade, I can’t wait to hear all about your amazing child and how annoyingly happy you are with your life. I won’t care how it looks, but you better call me with something good.”
I know he said he wasn’t trying to guilt me earlier with that, but he’s the only father figure I have. “Or I could actually just call you more often. I think I’d like to have you meet my kid before they’re ten.”
“Anytime, Adam. You call me anytime, anyplace. Understand?”
