I’ll never be good enough.
The words echo around in my head, louder and louder until I can barely hear anything else.
I can’t breathe.
The car feels like a cage, thick and suffocating.
Don’t let him see how pathetic you are.
Letting go off his hand, I lift my feet into the chair and wrap my arms around my legs, cocooning myself for comfort. I’m trying to hold it together, but the tears are threatening to spill over, and Idon't know how much longer I can keep them at bay.
I wanted to disappear, to fade into the background where no one could see how broken I was. Where no one could see how fake I was by trying to put on this facade of pretending to be happy, when in reality, I’m anything but.
“You should’ve told me, we could’ve worked something out together.”
I snort, finally glancing at him. He’s looking at me, but I can’t decipher the emotion. “And when exactly could I have done that? In the one point three seconds it took before blurting out that we were dating?”
He smiles. “I think it was more like zero point one second.”
“I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I’m so fucking sorry!
Turning my head toward the window, willing the tears not to come, I take a deep breath in.
“We started dating when we were fifteen—high school sweethearts is what everyone said we would be,” I don’t know why I’m even telling him this. “We were inseparable, nothing and no one could break us.”
I really thought we were going to be forever.
“We weren’t meant to go to the same college, but he changed his mind last minute, saying he couldn’t bear the thought of going to college without me by his side.”
I was ecstatic about that, because who wouldn’t want their boyfriend to join them on their college experience?
“It was the first Friday of October in freshman year, I finished a lecture early, so I decided to surprise him in his dorm room,” my cheeks puff out as I remember the first time my heart got shattered. “The door was open, and I was expecting to walk in on him studying, or even playing a game,” a bitter laugh falls from my lips. “But instead I walked in on him fingering another girl.”
It was awful. I remember standing there frozen, not knowing what to do. They hadn’t even noticed me, too caught up in the moment. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, I thought I was dreaming at first. My heart shattered into a million pieces, I wanted to scream, wanted to cry. But I couldn’t move, it’s like my whole body just shut down.
We’d always skip foreplay. It was something I always wanted, but he wanted to get straight to business. Fuck, he hadn’t ever given me an orgasm before neither. And there he was, fingering another girl.
Eventually Kyle noticed me standing there, he didn’t even look guilty, just stared at me right in the eyes while he brought her to her high. I watched. I fucking watched my boyfriend give another girl an orgasm…and I felt a tinge of jealously. But I also felt sick to the stomach, and then it’s like my brain registered everything, and I ran away.
“You didn’t deserve that, Lilly. No one does.” Greyson’s soft voice fills the air.
“Yeah…well, guess what,” I shake my head. “The joke was on me, I guess,” I rub my nose with the back of my hand. “Because I’m the idiot who took him back—the several times that followed too.”
I could feel his heated gaze on me, but I couldn’t look at him. Suddenly, his hand reaches out, his fingers gently brushing against my cheek, tenderly wiping away the salty tears that had slipped from my eyes.
When did I even start crying?
Lifting myhead, I look into his eyes from under my lashes. And before I could even think, I’m leaning in and connecting our lips together. His lips remain motionless against mine, not responding, not even twitching. Then like a tidal wave, reality comes crashing back into me.
What the fuck am I doing?
He’s here, comforting me, and I’m…kissing him?
Stupid fucking idiot!
I pull back, slumping into the chair, embarrassment coursing through my body. “I’m sorry.” I mumble, my voice barely audible.
