“You don’t ever wanna try nothing new?”
I shrugged. “Do I look like I’m in the mood to experiment with fish tacos?”
That made Amour laugh even though she had no idea what we were talking about. The waitress came over and I ordered for me and Amour because my baby would eat chicken strips until she was forty if we let her. Keondra ended up getting the shrimp basket after changing her mind three times. I sat there watching Amour dip fries in ketchup like she was doing serious business, and every now and then I’d look up and catch Keondra watching me with that unreadable look she got when she was thinking too much.
“What?” I finally asked.
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
I cocked my head to the side and ate a fry. “That’s a lie Ke… what up?”
She took a sip of her lemonade and looked off toward the water. “I just be wondering about stuff.”
“What stuff?” I questioned.
She hesitated before answering, which told me it was something she actually cared about and not just regular attitude she was about to catch. “Us.”
I leaned back in the booth and studied her face. The breeze was moving her ponytail just a little bit and the glow from thesun was beaming on one side of her face causing her to glow. She looked good enough to distract a nigga from his own thoughts, but I stayed where I was.
“What about us?” I asked.
She looked down at Amour first, then back up at me. “I don’t know what we doing.”
That wasn’t a question, it was more like a statement and because I knew better than to bullshit when she sounded like that, I didn’t joke right away. “We taking care of our daughter,” I said. “That’s what we doing.”
She nodded. “I know that, but I mean us.”
Yep, and there it was. I picked up my drink and took a sip, buying myself a second because I already knew this conversation had been coming. I just ain’t think it was gone catch me over fish and fries on a random afternoon.
Keondra set her fork down. “I’m tired, Dique.”
I frowned. “Of what?”
“Of this halfway shit,” she said. “Of not knowing…. of you being here one day, gone the next or feeling like we just playing house whenever it’s convenient and then going right back to confusion.”
I looked at her for a second but didn’t say nothing because I wanted her to keep going and she did. “I know we ain’t together,” she said. “You made that clear enough but then you be acting like we are sometimes. You here with Amour, you fixing stuff, you pulling up, you checking on us, paying all the bills and got us put up and then other times it’s like I’m just the mother of your child and that’s it.” She looked down at the table. “And I’m not saying you owe me nothing. I’m really not. I just… I don’t know. I want more than this.”
My chest got tight as fuck all of a sudden like this girl was about to give me a heart attack bringing this shit up cause was she talking about commitment? Amour was still coloring,humming to herself like the world around her didn’t exist at all. “What you want then?” I asked.
Keondra looked right at me this time and spoke with no attitude and no sarcasm. “A real family.”
That right there hit me harder than anything she could’ve yelled because she didn’t say money. She didn’t say rings or gifts or no Instagram-perfect bullshit, she said a family. The exact kind of thing a man can’t hide from because either he wants it or he don’t.
I leaned back in the booth and looked out toward the water for a second because suddenly everything felt too fucking real for me. Music was still playing from the speakers and a boat cut across the water in the distance. The regular world kept moving while my mind got stuck on those three words.A real family.
I thought about how I grew up…. how Dom, O’Shynn, and me had always had each other, but nothing about our life was regular. It was love in it, yeah, but there was also blood and business and street shit too early. We learned quick that family meant loyalty before anything and it was always protection before peace. Then I thought about Amour…. her little hands, her little laugh and the way she always reached for me now without hesitation. The way she beamed whenever I showed up. The way she looked happiest when both me and Keondra were in the same room acting right for once. Then I thought about Keondra too and that was where it got complicated because for all the chaos we had between us, she wasn’t wrong. I had been giving her pieces and expecting her to be grateful for crumbs. I was coming around when I wanted to, sleeping with her sometimes and then acting like it didn’t mean nothing because I was too used to freedom and too comfortable with things staying unfinished. In all reality she was always just a trick for me, she was never my girl, and a baby came out of it.
Still, how I was moving probably wasn’t fair and the truth is I didn’t really like admitting to myself was that I did like being around them. I liked this, the park, the food dates and the way Amour kept leaning into my arm while she colored. Even Keondra fussing at me felt familiar in a way I was starting to want more of. but wanting something and being built for it wasn’t always the same.
“You quiet,” Keondra said realizing I wasn’t saying shit.
“Because I’m thinking.” I told her looking dead in her eyes.
“About what?”
I looked at her again, really looked at her. “About if I know how to do that shit right.”
She blinked. “Do what?”
