“Family,” I said. “The real kind.” For once she didn’t snap back with a joke or attitude. She just looked at me like she hadn’t expected honesty from me today since I was always bullshitting. I rubbed my hand over my chin and exhaled. “I know how to provide, I know how to protect, I know how to show up when it counts, but all that other shit? The everyday shit? The staying? The consistency? I ain’t never really had to do that with a woman.”
Keondra’s face softened a little bit. “You could learn.”
“Maybe.”
“No,” she said, and there was just enough attitude back in her voice to sound like herself again. “Not maybe… you could.”
Amour looked up at both of us then and held up her crayon drawing. “Look. I drawed us.”
I took the paper from her and looked at it. This shit was terrible. It was three stick figures holding hands and one big yellow sun in the corner, but she had us all there. It was me, her, and Keondra… and for some reason that shit hit me almost as hard as what Keondra said.
“Aight,” I said in a lower tone, still looking at the drawing. “I hear you.”
Keondra didn’t respond right away, but I could feel her watching me across the table, trying to decide if that meant something or if it was just another one of my half-answers. Maybe I didn’t know yet either, but for the first time, I was actually thinking about it long and hard instead of brushing it off… and that had to mean something.
After we left the food spot, we took Amour to get ice cream because apparently chicken strips, fries, and juice still wasn’t enough food for her little body. By the time I dropped them back off at Keondra place, the sun had already started going down.
Amour was half asleep on my shoulder when I carried her inside. Her little arms were wrapped around my neck and every now and then she would mumble something in her sleep that ain’t make no sense. Keondra had already walked ahead of us to unlock the door although I had a key, and I followed her inside the house while she turned on lights. I laid Amour down in her bed and stood there for a second looking at her. She had one sock halfway off, ice cream on the side of her mouth, and her little doll tucked under her arm.
“She gone be knocked out for the rest of the night,” Keondra said from the doorway.
“Good. She wore me the fuck out.”
“You act like you wasn’t having fun.” She smiled.
I looked over at her. “I never said I wasn’t.”
She leaned against the doorframe with her arms folded over her chest and just looked at me for a second. She was the type of female a man ended up staying around too long without meaning to cause she was fine as hell.
“I’m serious about what I said earlier,” she reminded me.
I knew she was. “I know, that’s why I ain’t joke about it.”
She nodded and for a second it felt like maybe she was waiting for me to say more. Maybe I was supposed to, maybe I was supposed to walk over there, grab her face, kiss her, tell her I was ready to play house and be a family man… but I didn’t and not because I didn’t want to. I wasn’t gon’ sit there and lie to her when I was still trying to figure out what the fuck I wanted myself. So instead, I walked over, kissed the top of her head, and headed toward the door.
“I’ll call you later,” I told her.
She looked up at me. “You better.”
“I said I would, didn’t I?”
“You say a lot of shit.”
I laughed and opened the door. “Aight,” I said. “I’m gone.”
By the time I got back in the truck, I made sure the shadows were still in their places. The sky was dark and my body felt tired in that good kind of way cause it was better being outside with my baby all day than being in meetings, shootouts, or some other bullshit. I sat there for a second before pulling off, and just as I turned out the apartment complex, my phone rang through the truck speakers. It was this chick named Tatiana and I shook my head.
I hit the button on the steering wheel. “What’s up?”
“What’s up?” she repeated, already sounding irritated. “That’s how you answer the phone?”
I pulled out into traffic. “Tatiana, I had a long day. What happened?”
“What happened is I ain’t seen you in almost two weeks.” She snapped.
I rubbed my forehead with one hand. “That’s ain’t true. I just seen yo’ pickle head ass.”
“It is true!”
