Henry’s eyes pinch closed as he brings a hand up to rub his forehead. He nods to himself, like this is exactly what he should have expected. “You mean you fucked her,” he says in a quiet voice. “That’swhy she ended things with me.”
I will myself not to get upset.Of course he’s angry, I tell myself.Youknewhe’d be angry.
“It’s more than that,” I say as steadily as I can.
“Okay,” he says, tossing his napkin on the table. “Let’s forget for a moment that you knew I liked her and that you promised you’d stay away. Are you trying to tell me that you’re suddenlycapableof something more than sinking into whatever warm body you find for the night? Because that would be news to me.”
Pressure begins building in my body, slow but unstoppable. Ittakes everything I’ve got to stay calm when I say, “I didn’t know either, but this is different. This could be something more.”
“Christ,” he says under his breath, looking out the window. “Just like last time.”
“Excuse me?”
He looks at me, and there’s exhaustion in his eyes. “Priya. Remember that name?”
In the seconds it takes for my mind to scramble in this unexpected direction, Henry rolls his eyes and lets out a laugh that feels like a slap. “Of course not.”
“No, I do remember her,” I say, grateful to have landed on the memory, even if it took me a second. “Priya Agarwal. Our TA from Property Law. Fucking brilliant.”
“But not brilliant enough for you to actually date her. To give a shit about her feelings.”
I frown, trying to remember the details of a hookup that happened years ago. Vaguely, I remember her being disappointed when I said I wasn’t looking for something serious, but in my mind, we’d gone our separate ways amicably. Was I wrong?
“I’m sorry, but what does Priya have to do with anything?” I ask, getting frustrated.
“I wascrazyabout her, that’s what,” he says. “But, of course, she didn’t have eyes for anyone but you, did she?”
I’m at a loss, feeling more and more like a dick every passing second. “I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t have slept with her if I’d known, Henry.”
“But youdidknow,” he accuses, pointing at me. “You knew it, but I told you to go ahead if you felt like it could turn into something real. So you did, even though it never went anywhere because itneverdoes. And now you’re doing the same goddamn thing with Gracie. Except this time, you didn’t even ask me. And now, you’re going to fuck around until you get bored, or you’re too threatened by actually feeling something, and then who the hell do you think she’s going to come running to?” Henry’s eyes are wide and distraught. “Who do you thinkPriyacame running to, begging toknow the way to my best friend’s heart, while you moved on to the next girl? Gracie doesn’tdeserveit, Jude. She deserves someone who can love her and—”
“I do love her,” I blurt, loud enough to make people at nearby tables look around at us. But the pressure that’s been steadily building inside of me finally reaches a boiling point. “I love her, Hen,” I say hoarsely, heart pounding at the admission. “That’s got to be what this is, right?” I ask him desperately. “Feeling like I’m dying when she isn’t with me? Feeling like I’m dying when she is, because Iknowshe isn’t mine?” He’s staring at me like I’ve suddenly started speaking in tongues, and maybe I have.
“You… love her,” he repeats slowly.
“I’m sorry,” I say, wishing he knew how much I meant it. “I’m so sorry about Priya, and what a clueless, insensitive prick I’ve been to you. You’re my best friend, and I’ve never wanted to hurt you, but yes. If there’s any chance Gracie might feel a fraction of what I feel for her, then I’m going to try to make it work.”
“And you actually think she’ll want you after the bomb you’re about to drop on her?”
I shake my head, wincing. “I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s any hope. But even if she hates me after all of this, I’m not going to leave her high and dry.” I swallow hard. “I’m going to take care of her.”
“And has she told you this is what she wants? Has she said she feels the same way?”
I shake my head, wishing I had a different answer to give. “No. She has even less reason to trust me than you do. She’s protecting herself, but Iknowshe feels something for me, too.”
“And did you ever think that maybe you should just leave her the hell alone?”
I rub a hand over my eyes, hating myself for the truth. “I tried. I knew she’d be better off with you—you’re everything she deserves. But I was too fucking selfish and she—” I stop, not wanting to hurt him more than I already have.
“She wanted you, too,” he finishes for me.
Henry is staring at me like he’s never seen me in full color before. I don’t have it in me to tell him how little he actually knows.
“You have to promise me that you’re not going to throw her away,” he says eventually. “You’ve already put her through enough, Jude.”
“I swear it,” I tell him. “I’m hers for as long as she’ll put up with me.”
Henry shakes his head and looks down at the cold squash blossoms. I catch a faint, disbelieving breath of laughter from him. “Jude Larkwood in love. Is it as terrifying as you always imagined?”
