“From another member of the dead parent club?” Lanz says, leaning out of the armchair to my right. “I think you should feel however you feel.”
I nod, press my dry lips together. “Yeah.” I breathe out. “It’s just…”
My mom is dead.
No one’s going to come look for me. No one’s going to be mad that I left Renfrew, that I came back to Caliburn.
“I think I actually feel kind of relieved?” My voice is small, thin, and for some reason it’s that, saying that, more than anything, that gets my throat all choked up. A tear squeezes from my eye, and I squint both of them shut, shaking my head. “I’m such a bad person.”
“Gwenna—”
“No, you’re not.”
“No way.”
I open them again, let out a shaky exhale. “I never did what she wanted,” I mumble. “She died…she dieddisappointedin me.” As I say it, I collapse, into whoever’s next to me—Callahan. Thank God. He reaches an arm around me, easy as breathing, as I sob softly into his chest. Like he’d done it hundreds of times before.
I need this.
The thought flares in my mind, sure and certain, as I blink wet lashes into his sweater.
I need this. All of this. All of…whatever this is.
I can’t make it on my own. In school. In life. In this absurd quest to figure out what I am and what I can do. I cannot keep my head down and power through any longer.
I start to cry harder.
Not because I am sad—really, if I’m honest, I mourned a long time ago the mother I never had—but because for the first time in my life I know exactly what I want and I have someone—multiple someones—who want me to have it.
After God knows how long, I pull back.
“Sorry,” I say, sniffing, looking at the wet patch I left on Callahan. “I got you all…”
“It’s fine,” he says hurriedly. “I have lots of sweaters.”
It’s so earnest a response I almost want to laugh. Christ, I truly am hysterical. I swallow, press a hand to my forehead, try to take a few deep breaths.
“What do you need, babygirl?” Morgan asks gently, reaching to squeeze my knee. “Anything.”
I blink a few times, looking around the room. Kai’s by the fireplace now, throwing logs in and patting his jacket pockets for a lighter. Kingston’s moved to leaning against the window seat, staring into the center of the room. Lanz is coming in from the hallway withanotherblanket, as if he didn’t register that Callahan already had me covered on that front.
“I think I want to stay here tonight,” I say. “If…if I can.”
“Of course.” They all say it in unison. Morgan snorts.
“Thanks.” I nod.
Everyone sits in silence a moment. Lanz says it first.
“So does that mean you’re…”
“Hermomjust died,” Callahan cuts him off. “She doesn’t have to?—”
“Cal,” I interrupt, and he stops, chastened. “I think…” I laugh a little. “I mean, why not now? Spare me the awkwardconversation at Thanksgiving, or whatever. Mom, meet my four boyfriends.”
Nobody laughs. Except Kai. Morgan looks daggers at him.
“What?” he says from the fireplace. “It was funny.”
