I don't like how he looks.
Hollow, kind of. Drawn. Like he hasn't slept.
But he still manages to crack a smile. "You don't know?" He cocks his head from across the room. "You're like, halfway through it."
I stare down at the book. "Oh. Yeah."
"They made a movie, you know," he says, taking a step into the parlor itself. "You could just skip the middleman."
"I like reading," I say.
Lanz lifts an eyebrow.
"I mean, I don't not like it." I retreat a little into the corner of the couch, which is hard, because it's not very big and I...am.
"Listen, I'm sure she'll be thrilled," Lanz says. "You guys can have a little two-person book club."
God. Am I that transparent? I can feel my face getting hot. But Lanz is smiling.
Then he shivers.
"Freezing upstairs," he says. "I smelled woodsmoke, figured I'd come here and warm up a little." He nods at the space beside me. "Can I sit?"
"Yeahofcoursesure," I say. It all comes out like one word. I move over, or try to, not that there's really any more space.
Lanz sits.
I try not to stare at him, but it's hard not to. We haven't really been this close since, I don't know, the airplane, maybe? I can't even remember. We certainly haven't been, you know,together.No one has, actually, except Kingston and Gwenna. I think they think they're hiding it, but it's not like the rest of us are blind. It seems like something they both need, and after what they've been through...
Well, to quote Pope Francis, "who am I to judge?"
Except I do miss it. Her. Can you miss someone if they're still around you? I don't even know. But the thought that the one time we were all together, in my room, that that would beitforever--that hurts to think about.
I hope it's not true.
The fire snaps again. Now it's Lanz who jumps.
Without even thinking, I set down the book and put my hand over his.
Just like that.
There’s no reason to hide anymore. They know. They know, and it doesn’t matter. Crazy. Amongst all the other crazy things, and yet.
Lanz's hand stirs a little under mine, then settles. Stills. Like he’s just realized it too.
It's nice. So nice.
And yet I feel a kind of panic rising. The strange thing is, I don’t even know what to do now. How to be…affectionate, I guess? I don’t even know what word to use. Despite the heat of the fireplace, I sit like I’m frozen, staring into the middle of the room. Then, all at once, it feels like I’ve been still for too long, so I startle back to attention and glance at Lanz.
He looks at me, too. Those wide, clear eyes of his on mine.
I swallow. And swallow again. My heart beats faster and faster and faster, my throat very dry.God, I feel like I’m twelve years old again. Except for the part where I have to make myself stop thinking what I’m thinking.
Because I guess it’s okay now.
Maybe it’s always been okay.
Slowly, I slide the tip of my thumb under his palm. Stroke it, once, twice.
