I nod stiffly, toying with a hardened piece of glaze as I weigh what to say next. “I think I made a new friend,” I finally confess, choosing to play it somewhat safe. Before everything, Papi was my confidant. My safe space. As worried as I am about Mami finding out the truth, I can’t resist the urge to tell someone—him—a small piece of it.
“Really?” he asks with a raised brow. I’d be offended by how shocked he seems if I wasn’t so self-aware. As much as I might’ve inherited from him, I’m not social like he is. Not able to win people over with my charm and my stories. And Mami’s overprotectiveness didn’t make things any easier. After Joel, I would’ve said Papi was my best friend. Now they’re both gone.
I nod again, not trusting my voice not to give me away. That doesn’t dull Papi’s enthusiasm, though. “He invited me toa dance,” I finally settle on, hoping I won’t regret revealing that my new friend is a boy. Papi always assured me that anything I told him stayed between us. Hopefully that still applies now. “But Mami won’t let me go.”
Papi softens at the mention of Mami. His smile crumples into a sympathetic frown. He sighs as he droops slightly in his seat, nodding in understanding. “I’m sorry, mija,” he mumbles, as if it’s his fault.
I shrug sheepishly, wishing I could hold Papi’s hand and squeeze. Reassure him without words that I don’t blame him for this. For any of it. But I know if I say it out loud, he’ll shoot me down, insist that it was his fault. He’s still defending Mami even now. After everything.
“Be easy on her, Dina,” Papi says again. It’s not the first time he’s made that plea. Or the tenth. Maybe not even the hundredth. I grit my teeth, resist the urge to protest. Why do I have to be easy on her when she’s never been easy on me?
Papi doesn’t say anything and neither do I. Anger seethes inside me at the thought of yet another excuse for Mami being so strict. Like it’s something we should admire. Like she’s doing us a favor holding us so tight—making it so we’re afraid of the world. Of strangers. Like we haven’t learned anything from Joel.
Guilt swallows that anger whole, drowns it deep, deep, deep to the lowest pit in my stomach.She just wants to protect you,I remind myself, but it’s Papi’s voice ringing in my ears. No one knows better than Mami how hard life can be when you’re not protected. All she wants is to keep us safe.
“I know the world isn’t kind to you right now,” Papi says after what feels like hours, his voice weathered. He looks at me so fiercely it’s like he’s trying to melt the glass so we can finallyhold each other again. “But you deserve good things, Dina.” His voice cracks slightly, and a piece of my heart cracks too. Tears sting the corners of my eyes as he slowly swims out of view. Until all I can make out clearly is the sound of his voice. “You deserve a life as beautiful as you are.”
My throat, eyes, and head ache as I struggle to hold back my tears. I let out a choked laugh and nod, just to give myself something to do to avoid thinking about the tears, about the way his voice sounds so helpless. Moments like these make it feel impossible that the world sees Papi as a killer. The person who kissed the crown of my head whenever I tripped and fell. The person who makes the best arroz con gandules during the holidays, and always makes sure to set extra aside just for me. The person I didn’t realize was my security blanket until he was gone. How could they look into his eyes and see all those horrible things they sprayed on our walls?Devil. Monster. Murderer.
Papi is the best person I’ve ever known. Now all anyone will know him as is a monster.
I nod with more force once my tears are safely at bay. “I know,” I mumble as I swipe at my cheeks even though I didn’t let any of the tears slip out. Something shifts inside my chest as I inhale sharply and ground myself until my vision is clear and the pressure has subsided from my temples. The fear that haunted me on the drive up here feels like a distant memory. Papi is right. Even though our lives have gone to shit, I still deserve good things.
Starting with the only boy who has ever made me feel seen.
Exhibit D: Interview with David Soto and Lead Detective Ron Aydin, Following Dina Soto’s Arrest
RA:At any point did you suspect that something like this might happen? See any signs during your monthly visits?
DS:Of course not. Those visits are barely twenty minutes, if that. The guards here are always trying to shove them out the door the second they get here… I had no idea…
RA:Did you think that this was something she was capable of?
DS:You don’t understand, I—
RA:It’s a yes or no answer, Mr. Soto.
DS:… No.
RA:And if you had any inclination that this was something she was capable of, would you have alerted the authorities, or your court-appointed psychiatrist, Ms…. Melfi, about those suspicions?
DS:…
RA:Mr. Soto?
DS:I’m not sure.
5
On Halloween night, we turn all the lights off. Mami says it’s to make sure trick-or-treaters don’t come looking for candy. I bite my tongue as we eat dinner in almost pitch-black darkness. There’s no point. We all know no one was going to come to our door, lights on or not.
The dark makes it harder to set up my decoy. Even though my bedroom is in the far back of the house, away from the street, I don’t dare turn my light on and risk Mami coming in to scold me. I move as quickly and as quietly as I can—shoving clothes into my backpack and into body-shaped lumps beneath my comforter. I don’t need to bring much for a weekend away, but I stash anything that I halfway like into my bag anyway. Summer crop tops despite the mid-autumn chill and dresses I’ve worn only for special occasions—bumping my shins and elbows into the wall every few minutes as I root through my closet and dresser in the dark. I bite back a hiss as I stub my toe against the edge of my bed, eyes wrenched shut and lips pressed tight to keep from crying out. The house is eerily silent, the way it always is now that we’re down to a family of three instead of five. Past my closed door I can make out the distant murmur of the TV in Mami’s room. The telenovelaswe used to watch together, when I thought our closeness was a blessing. What feels like thousands of years ago.
A new text makes me snap back to reality.
Kai Thompson:Just left the dance! Should be at your place in fifteen
The sight of his name in my phone makes my heart leap into my throat. The text itself, though, cranks up the volume on the ticking clock in the back of my mind. I reply quickly, letting him know I’ll meet him down at the end of the block. Mami’s bedroom windows don’t face the street, but there’s no point risking getting caught before I can even make it to the curb. We’ve developed a sixth sense for strangers entering our space. This wouldn’t be the first unfamiliar car to idle outside our house. And they’ve never lingered for good reasons. The last thing I need is to draw any unnecessary attention to Kai.
