thirty-three
Autumn
Everythinghadfallenintoplace.
That was what I told myself as I sat in front of flickering flames at the staff campfire, clinging to a cup of hot cocoa and Baileys as though it were integral to my survival.
I had my dream job, and it was only getting better. After years of seeking their approval, I had my parents’ support. They’d been proud even. I’d never seen that coming.
I had my friends, the family I’d made. I had the outdoors and sunshine and tears in my eyes. I—
I was going to be fine.
The chaos from this summer session was finally winding down, a feeling I both enjoyed and lamented, but overall, it meant good things. I’d have some time to work on making Camp Starlight better, something I loved to do. I could get organized—and finish cleaning up the craft shed, because that was already driving me crazy. I’d be able to work on building cabins with Jack. I had a new role, and I was incredibly excited to hit theground running. Plus, I’d get an actual break at some point. All good things.
It just felt like my heart had driven away from me hours ago.
I imagined Jamie’s hand out the window, dancing through the wind, a smile on his face as he looked at his best friend, passing rock walls and ravines filled with trees.
This had been temporary. We both knew that. So why did it feel so terrible?
I remembered the way he’d made me feel at sixteen. Like everything had been full of promise. Like he’d never let me go. I remembered the second I’d realized I was in love with him. The way the feeling had wrapped around me like a warm blanket. But there had also been fear back then. Fear at curbing the many emotions I hadn’t known how to handle. Fear that I’d never feel like that again. And yet, here I was, sitting in sadness, wondering how he was, even though I’d seen him hours ago, and he probably was getting back to his real life and already forgetting me.
But a lingering sensation told me that wasn’t true and had me questioning if I was making the right decision. Maybe this wasn’t the life I was supposed to lead. I could give up my dream job, right? It was barely a job, anyway, when you thought about it. Because you weren’t supposed to love your job like I did. I could live in the real world with its pantsuits and noise and fast food within a twenty-mile radius. I—
I let out a sob. Quietly. Like a lady.
This was so unfair. We hadn’t even broken up. We’d just gone our separate ways, like we’d planned on doing from the start. But images of Jamie flashed before my eyes. The anxiety in his eyes as I picked up an ax after throwing a bull’s-eye. The way we held hands in bed. The way he looked in that robe.
I could call him right now and fix this. After all, this was a mess of my own making. And once we found each other again, we could… What could we even do?
I sobbed again. Thankfully, no one noticed.
They were too busy using aerosol marshmallow whipped cream over spiked cozy beverages, laughing and smiling, because this was a happy occasion. The end of a successful summer. An uplifting, joyful, fun-filled summer with ups and downs, with mistakes and problems that had all been solved, because in the end, everything worked out for the best. I was fine.
“Sawyer. You’re too old for a keg stand,” Azalea yelled.
They flipped upside down, and Leo and Hazel rushed to their side to hold them up.
“I’m not responsible for anybody today,” they shouted. “I’m gonna live foreverrrrr!”
The group burst into laughter as they let out a belch and rubbed their stomach. What possessed them, I didn’t know, though I understood their need for recklessness.
More than anything, I wished I could share in their joy.
“Hey, Autumn, who won the shipping board?” Leo asked.
I tried not to roll my eyes. I was hoping I could get away without having to say anything. He looked on expectantly. He was never going to let me go without announcing his continued reign as our shipping board king.
“Well, I think it’s obvious who won so yay—” I spouted off quietly, but Leo cut me off.
“Autumn.”
I raised my voice and walked to the stage. Leo met me on the side, as if I were the emcee of this show and he was about to deliver his acceptance speech.
“All right, folks, the season has come to an end, and the winner of the shipping board competition is…”
People reluctantly patted their thighs to make some noise, but they increased it to a more enthusiastic rhythm because they couldn’t help themselves.
