Yes, she did. She fucking knew. But if she admitted it to herself, she wouldn’t leave tomorrow, and I loved her enough to let her look away.
“I’m not.” I placed my hand over hers, wishing I could spend every damn moment of my life touching her. “This is going to fucking suck, but we will be okay.”
For the first time since telling me she was leaving, she looked like herself, leaning into my honesty as if it were something she could hold on to.
“Would you like to walk me in?” She asked, hopeful. It was my favorite color on her. “And, I don’t know, finger cage my face goodnight?” she glowered.
I didn’t want to laugh. I wanted to scream and put my fist through the fucking windshield… but this was her magic.
“Wish I could, Daph, but I’ve got rounds, and you need to pack. I’ll wait till you’re at the window before I drive off.” Because I always did. “What time does your plane leave tomorrow?”
“Five in the morning,” she mumbled, watching her fingers as she opened the door.
I shivered when the air spilled in, because she was right: we had never done this before. Unless you counted me being dragged into the back of a police car, I’d never had to watch her walk away, or stare up at a window I couldn’t crawl through to get to her.
She needed to leave before I broke. Before I did the selfish thing and fucking kept her.
I swallowed, shifting uncomfortably.
“Okay,” she mumbled to herself, the red in her eyes swelling until it filled them.
Dammit.
I pulled her into me, pressing her head into my ribcage, and told myself not to cry. Let her go. Tell her she could do this. That she was brave and amazing, and that this was fucking nothing compared to the life she had survived. Remind her that this was nothing. That I was nothing.
“Daphne,” I said, through the violent sobs slamming against my chest. “You have been through far worse than a free trip to the ocean to do something you love. And you can call me every fucking minute, and I promise I will answer, no matter what. Okay?”
“But what if you need me? What if you go black and you can’t calm down?”
Then, people will die. But I wasn’t going to tell her that.
“Then I’ll strip Nathem bareass naked and sleep on his chest! He’d enjoy the snuggles.”
She laughed through the crackle in her throat, holding on tighter.
“I’ll call you,” I promised, lifting her gaze. “You will answer. And I will let you talk me down. And everything will be fine.”
“You promise?”
“Yes,” I lied, resting my forehead against hers. I wished I could kiss her the way she wanted, but that was the one thing I knew Icould never come back from. Because once I did, not hell or God, or a whole horde of dick-sucking demons could make me stop.
It would also mean I finally succumbed to the monster in her darkness, the one she loves to pretend I am not. Kissing her would mean letting her fall because the only way to be with me was down.
“I love you,” she said, quieter than usual, thumbing the scar her dumbass father put in my eyebrow. “You know that, right?”
“I know,” I whispered into her. “I love you too, Daph.”
“With all my heart,” she grinned, poking at a memory she needed to be real right now.
“And all my parts,” I shook my head. The stupid shit this woman makes me say.
With two wet lips, she kissed my cheek and turned away from me.
I am not sure how to explain the moment the entire world steps one millimeter to the left, but it tasted like rot. Like someone digging their nails through your ribs to stab at the black, mushy spots that only beat for her. It was wrong. Upset. And filled me with ash.
She pulled the luggage from the trunk, telling me with her eyes to let her do it, and peered at me one last time. She wouldn’t say the words, and neither would I. Those fucking letters could die in a gutter for all I cared.
Her mouth twitched when she shut the door, shuffling into her building, but I didn’t move. I sat inside the silence, staring through the slits in the steering wheel at colors and numbers that no longer made sense.
