Page 40 of My Husband Problem

Miles chuckles, then he sobers, “You’re not even going totryto see if it can work?”

It sounds like he’s asking if I’m going to give my marriage a chance, but I know what he’s actually asking about.

“No. I’m not ready.” I take a breath. “I don’t know if I cangetready.”

“I thought you were working with Thea. You said things were better.”

I feel my throat tighten. “Maybe a little. But physical therapy and working with devices and by myself is a whole different thing than having sex—” I glance around, relieved no one is nearby, and lower my voice again. “Having sex with a real guy, especially a very experienced one, especially one who I would really like it to be great with, is a whole different thing.”

“But doesn’t it seem like the one you’re actually really attracted to, the guy you’remarried to, should be the one you try it with?”

The pelvic muscle tightness and pelvic pain have been a fact in my life for years. It’s been a part of the endometriosis and uterine fibroids I’ve dealt with since I was twelve. But since my injury and back surgery, the muscle tightness and pain have been intense and have caused such pain during sex that I just stopped having it altogether.

But I had mostly gotten over it. Or learned to deal with it anyway. I wasn’t in a relationship, and I had come to terms, with the help of therapists, with the idea of being abstinent.

Then I got married.

To a man I’m very attracted to. More attracted than I’ve ever been to anyone in my life. Like to the point where I’m actually really pissed off that I can’t have sex with him.

“What if I can’t do it though?” I ask Miles, my voice raspy because of trying not to cry.

I force a smile as Dave Hansen strolls by.

“It’s not really fair to him,” I say. “I shouldn’t start something without knowing if I can finish it. And what if we get partway through and then I can’t keep going? Or I freeze up. What if it’s horrible?”

“Well, you have to tell him what’s been going on,” Miles says, his tone indicating this should be obvious. “Tell him how you feel, and that you’re working on it.”

I feel the tears well up, hot and fast. “Tell one of the world’s most eligible bachelors, a guy who could have any woman, ‘oh, by the way, having sex with me could be one of the most horrible experiences of your life. It might not work. I might freak out in the middle. Even if I don’t, we might get partway through, and I’m going to be a horrible pain and shove you away or cry through it.’ Yeah, I’ll bet he’ll be super excited.”

“Jesus, Astrid,” Miles says, sounding like he’s in pain himself. “Do you want me to come? I can be there for you after you talk to him. Though I don’t think I should be therewhenyou tell him this.”

Despite the fact that I feel like I’m about to burst into tears, I laugh. “Yeah, you and I should sit down with Declan in my orange and green living room, with Oscar strapped to my chest, and say, ‘Hey, Declan, we have something we need to tell you: Astrid’s vagina doesn’t work. But her physical therapist says that if you’re willing to go through some really intimate, painstaking, and not-at-all-guaranteed-to-work exercises with her, there’s achance that maybe, in many, many months, you could possibly have not horrible sex once or twice before you divorce her’.”

“I’m coming to town,” Miles announces in response to my dramatics.

“No,” I say quickly. “That will make the Team Declan and Team Miles thing go totally bonkers.” Then I think about it. “Wait, yes, youshouldcome. If you’re right here, reminding everybody how much they love you, it will make the Team thing worse. Declan will get sick of itreallyfast and be excited to head to Cara for the annulment.”

“That isnotwhy I’m offering to come to town.”

“I know. But it’s a better idea than holding my hand and feeding me ice cream after I tell my super-hot husband that I am broken and theoneperk he might be looking to get out of this crazy marriage is actually a multi-layered emotional and physical minefield.”

“I’d tell you to quit being so dramatic, but maybe it would be good for Declan to know that this is actually how you are. If he’s going to sign up for this, he should know this stuff too.”

“Or maybe Ishouldtell him that my vagina doesn’t work and that sex is never going to happen and that I cannot give him a baby to bind our two families together for all of eternity. If I want him tobegfor an annulment, that would do it.”

Miles’s exasperated sigh comes across the line. “I’m calling my contractor today to find out if the bathroom is finished and if I can at least get some electricity wired in one of the rooms in my new house so that I have a place to stay when I get there.”

“You know you can sleep at Patty’s.”

He chuckles. “True. I’m on my way.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. And I can’t believe I’m saying this but be nice to Declan.”

I give a short laugh. “No way.”

We disconnect and I take a moment to pull in a deep breath. Then I swipe a finger under each of my eyes to be sure that none of the tears escaped.