I wished it worked.
You’re fine, you’re lucky, you’re fine, you’re lucky.
“You did so good,” he murmured against my skin, seeming to breathe me in. His hands were on my hips, and his eyes were shut. He pulled me closer, and I stepped between his legs. “I love you, Eleanor.”
My knees felt weak.
“I love you, too.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
sully
IWAS STARTING TO hate the car.
Or, more specifically, being in the car with Ellie and not being able to hold her the way I wanted to because I had to do annoying things like pay attention to the road.
I was starting to hate how the silence echoed in here while also being punctuated by mundane noises like the tires rotating on roads that desperately needed to be redone. That had been ruined by years of harsh Minnesotan winters and humid summers.
I hated that we were moving but feeling like we were going nowhere—directionless now that our loss had been doubly confirmed.
The appointment today was quietly devastating. Soul-crushing in a way that I hadn’t been expecting. It was such a whiplash—to go from dreaming up names and imagining meeting this human that was made up of my cells and hers to…nothing.
Ellie had only shed a few tears in the Maternal-Fetal Medicine office, and now she wore this sort of stoic, numb expression. Over the last forty-eight hours, I’d had my heart broken repeatedly as I watched her grieve, as I’d seen the things her body was goingthrough, and it was probably the most painful experience of my life, tied right up there with losing her the first time.
It worried the fuck out of me, but I was hopeful that maybe some of the doctor’s words from today might penetrate her walls and reach the depths of her mind, where I knew she was stuck in a loop of thinking about what she could have done differently. But the kind woman we met with today insisted that Ellie did absolutely nothing wrong. That early miscarriages were often due to chromosomal abnormalities, whereas losses after twelve weeks, while still common, were more likely than earlier losses to be due to an issue or history with clotting—something that the Lovenox would help to prevent.
When we returned home, Ellie got out of the car without saying a word, and I followed her to the front porch, where she surprised me by sitting on the steps and turning her face up toward the sun.
God, she was beautiful.
I’d been enamored with this woman since the moment I laid my eyes on her, and all I wanted to do was spend the next fifty, sixty, seventy years of my life looking, staring, appreciating everything about her.
Ellie squinted at me before patting the open spot on the porch step, right beside her.
I was a simple creature.
When Ellie beckoned, I ran.
I sat next to her and let the warmth of the sun fill my bones, mingling with grief.
It was weird that there could be any bit of levity today, but I couldn’t deny it. For years, becoming a parent and sharing that experience with Eleanor was really all I’d ever wanted, but now the one thing on my mind was therisks. Risks I hadn’t fully been aware of, risks that would haunt me, especially after seeing her in pain, bleeding, anxious, and scared. Fuck, the idea of jeopardizing Ellie’s health and well-being terrified me. More than anything, losing her simply wasn’t an option. And right now, she might behealing, but she was also safe and sound and home—something I couldn’t help but be grateful for.
Despite all that had happened, I let the relief of that wash over me, resolidifying what I’d always known and should have done a better job of communicating over the years: shewas all I needed. The one thing I couldn’t live without.
I’d make sure she understood that soon, but now wasn’t the time.
I suspected right now, she just needed someone to sit with her.
So I sat.
I wasn’t sure how long we remained there before she released a heavy sigh and poised her elbows on her knees, clasping her delicate hands together.
“Now what?”
Somehow, I resisted the urge to touch her. “Now you heal. You rest.”
“Hmm.” She cocked her head side to side. “That sounds like a lot of work.”
