Page 32 of How to Train Your Billionaire

Expert at pretending I know things about wine.

Red Flags:

Will absolutely judge your taste in gas station snacks.

Might refer to you as “buddy” just to keep you on your toes.

Laughs at my own jokes (because someone has to).

Looking for: Someone who won’t question my choice in snack foods. Bonus points if you can assemble IKEA furniturewithoutcrying.

Let’s make questionable life choices together!

Satisfied with myself, I post it to the site Tessa is always telling me about. The one where women get to make the first move. Once my profile is live, I begin sifting through the options.

Too old.

Too bald.

Too . . . political.

After searching for twenty long minutes, I find someone who looks promising. He’s thirty-one and a surf instructor, and his profile picture is him carrying a fluffy apricot-colored dog while riding a skateboard ... I mean bonus points for the multitasking alone. He also has really pretty blue eyes and sandy-colored hair.

I read over his bio with a discerning eye, searching for red flags in a way that I hope would make Tessa proud.

Ryder, 31

Professional wave chaser | Mediocre skateboarder | Certified Alpha Male

I spend my days teaching people how to surf and my nights wondering if my dog is proud of me. If you like sunset beach walks, questionable life advice, and spontaneous road trips to find the best fish tacos, we’ll get along just fine.

Looking for someone who can keep up, and won’t judge me for eating cereal straight from the box. Bonus points if you can name at least three types of clouds.

I cannot, in fact, name even one type of cloud, but I click on the message icon and type out something that I hope is cute and friendly-sounding, since according to Tessa I ammonumentallybad at this.

Frankie:

Okay, first of all, I’mveryimpressed by your multitasking skills—carrying a dogandriding a skateboard? That’s a whole new level of impressive. Are you secretly training for the “World’s Coolest Human” competition, or is this just your everyday thing?

(Also, is the dog in charge or are you the one calling the shots here?)

Looking forward to your answer, pro skateboarder/dog whisperer.