‘Here’s the thing; I’m not so sure that me still sleeping with other clients has anything to do with you not wanting to date me properly. If I told you right here and now that I’m leaving those clients in the dust and was prepared to go all-in for you, I have a feeling that you still wouldn’t go for it. If you’re sayingyou like me as much as you say, why don’t you want to at least try with me?’
He was almost begging now. I felt awful. I couldn’t say it.
‘Theo – let’s not do this now.’
‘Nah, let’s do it now. Let’s get it over and done with because as much as I’m used to being used by people in the industry I’m in, I’m not the biggest fan of being used by people I’ve grown to like. So what is it?’
‘I don’t get why you need to know why? Some people just prefer casual options! I’m sure you’ve been in situations where you’ve preferred for things to be casual,’ I retorted. I didn’t like this line of questioning, because I knew what was coming.
‘If you want it casual, then we can keep it casual. I’m not going to stop my job for someone who can’t be bothered to take me seriously.’
‘I DO take you seriously, it’s just … I … I can’t date someone who does what you do.’
There. The cards were fully on the table. Theo looked at me, dumbstruck. That wasn’t the way I’d meant for it to come out, but we were here now.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Theo replied quietly.
‘I think you’re a great guy obviously, and if it were a thing where you just had your day job, it would be cool, but … I’d never hear the end of it from my friends and family if they ever found out about what you do onOuiMeet.’
The air in the living room was thick with tension; as soon as I spat it out, I wanted to take it back. I looked over at Theo; the look of hurt was written all over his face as he scoffed loudly.
‘All right. So I’m good enough to fuck you but not good enough to be seen in public with you? I guess this is what it feels like to be slut-shamed. Cool. Well, seeing as I’ve fulfilled my purpose, I’ll be going, Cass. It’s been fun.’
Shit.
‘Theo, please,’ I started, making an attempt to grab his arm before he shrugged me off. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. It’s just my parents are really traditional and—’
‘Cassandra, it’s fine. I get it. African parents and all that. I just thought you were—’ he stopped, shook his head and made for the door.
‘I was what?’ I replied.
Theo opened the door, sighed, and turned around to face me. He was wearing a sad smile, which made me feel even worse.
‘You don’t really seem the type to need validation from people, but I guess your loved ones are different. Take care of yourself, Cass.’
And with that, he turned and left, leaving me feeling like the worst person in the world. I had literally just slut-shamed him. Who would have thought?
I decided to give Theo some space. It felt like the right thing to do – especially since I needed room to sort through my own feelings, not just about him, but about what he’d said before leaving: ‘You don’t really seem like the type who needs validation from others.’ He wasn’t wrong – I didn’t. But at the same time, the idea of being with someone who felt the need to keep themselves sexually available to others? That wasn’t something I could easily accept.
I looked down at my phone, which had the screensaver of my baby nephew Aaron, and thought about my role being an aunt and what that meant. Not trying to live up to my parents’ expectations. Setting new traditions in my family based not on judgement and expectations, but on unconditional love, grace and acceptance.
I lay down on my sofa and before I knew what was coming, the tears had begun. What had I done?
Sade wasted no time in letting me have it over the next few weeks.
‘Girl. I’ve never seen someone fumble this hard in a long time,’ she chastised over drinks one day. ‘I still can’t believe you? You had this prime steak of a man; premium quality-grade beef! Tall! Sexy! Charming! Witty! Sexy! Confident! Self-made! Well dressed! A good lay! Did I mention sexy?? And you let it slip through your fingers because you somehow turned into a slut-shaming hypocrite. I’m still screaming!’
‘Ahh, Sade, don’t, man. We’ve gone through this,’ I replied, exasperated as I pressed the cool, chilled wine glass to my forehead, numbing the headache I could feel coming. We’d gone through this at least six times now.
‘I know, I know. Sorry, babe. But if you ask me, I do think you’ve kind of fucked this up a little. That was a GOOD man, Savannah,’ she said, mocking the famous quote from one of our favourite moviesWaiting to Exhale. ‘I know you had your reasons, but you said he mentioned that if you two started dating exclusively, he might be willing to drop his other clients. And honestly, you wouldn’t even have to tell your family aboutOuiMeet– there’s no way they’d have ever found out.’
‘I miss him,’ I sobbed, burying my face in my arms as Sade pulled me into a tight embrace. I knew I’d messed up – let go of a genuinely good man for no real reason. But now, all I could do was sit with regret, because there was nothing left to fix – at least I didn’t think so anyway.
‘I know this is really bad timing,’ Sade continued, ‘but have you found a date to your mum’s wedding yet? It’s in a month or something, isn’t it?’
I’ve been trying to forget.
I’d spent the last month helping out with the guest invite list; replying to RSVPs and sorting out the seating arrangements. Luckily, it was set to be a super small wedding, with only fiftyguests in total; twenty-five from each side. In a bid to try and have an excuse to ditch my plus one, I’d tried to invite a couple of distant relatives, but hadn’t heard back as of yet, annoyingly. My mum – probably distracted by the wedding – had yet to ask again about my lack of date, which is how I needed it to stay.
