Forget it. Just do it.
“I cursed him.” The words fell from my mouth, and all I wanted to do was catch them before he remembered what they meant.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a disappointed sigh. But underneath it was the tiniest inkling of hope.
“He’s really nice… a little possessive, maybe, but you know I like that,” I chuffed.
“I understand. It’s like an addiction.”
“What? God, no!” I backpedaled.
“It is. You slipped. It’s okay, Max. We’ll get through it. We’ll break the spell… we’ll go to the aunts, and they can do what they do and?—”
“Graham, I’ve tried,” I interrupted. “He’s stuck. Like Jamie. Like the others.”
He straightened, brushing snow off the rail, his gaze never leaving mine.
“You destroyed me,” I said. “You were the first person to love me… really love me… and you didn’t stay.” I shifted my weight. “I’m not trying to condone what I did. Because knowing that I’m taking away his free will… knowing that it isn’t real… that’s a prescription for a lead bullet right there.”
His face went somber. Broken.
“I had to process the shitshow with Portia… the kidnapping… all of it… alone. Then throw in the part about not being good enough for someone I loved with all my heart to stay… yeah, I’ve been living the motherfucking dream, Graham.”
He stared at me, and his eyes caught the pain I bled onto him.
When he finally spoke, his voice cracked. “Max, I’m sorry. And I’ll say it over and over again until you believe me. It kills me every day knowing I did that to you. I can’t forgive myself, and I know I don’t deserve you. I know that no matter what I say or do, it won’t make it right. A trust has been broken between us. And I’m not expecting you to take me back. I just want you happy.”
I let the cold air anchor me, but it didn’t work.
“Yeah? And what if my only true happiness was with you?” A single tear burned down my cheek. “As horrible and manipulative as it is with Hunter… I know he won’t leave. He can’t. And that’s what I need. I need that kind of commitment, that kind of dedication. And as much as it hurts me to even admit it… I don’t think I will ever get that from you. I’ll always live in fear of you leaving me… I’ll always question myself… I’ll never believe I’m enough for you.”
I wrapped my arms around myself, the bitter air feeling oddly like my heart.
“Max…”
“Derek filled me in on how you’ve used almost every woman in this town. I knew. But somehow knowing it was what happened between us made it so much worse. I fell for you. I fucking loved you… and I still do… I probably always will and?—”
“You weren’t like the other girls at all—you know that. That last time we were together was a one-time?—”
“But I don’t know it, Graham. What happens when you get triggered again? Are you gonna leave again? Because I don’t care if you use me. I told you I want to be that release. That place to go… and I meant it. But… you didn’t. You didn’t choose me. You fucked me. Chose what was easy. And left. Would it really have been so hard to let me know you were going to disappear? To say goodbye?”
He closed the distance between us, pressing both his hands to my arms, his gaze locking on mine. It was the kind of look that didn’t just ask for attention—it demanded it.
“I will never say goodbye to you. Never,” he said, voice so low… so serious, it cut through me.
The railing creaked when he placed both hands on it and leanedforward. Graham looked out over the snow-covered yard, head hanging low.
“Today was my first day back. There was a victim that looked just like you and it freaked me out. I had to see you. I had to know that your heart was still beating.”
Tears welled. I tried so hard but I couldn’t hold them back. “Funny… you’ve been holding it since you left.”
He glanced my way, and I felt it like a physical thing. Broken. Sorry. Angry at himself. Shoulders tight, jaw clenched, fingers drumming against the railing. Every bit of him still wounded—and somehow, my heart ached along with him.
I couldn’t stay in it. Not with the way he looked at me. If I stayed there one more second I was going to come apart at the seams, and I’d done that enough already.
I straightened, let out a breath, and wiped the tears from my eyes. “So… you never told me about Derek.”
“What about him?”
