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Emeline held out her hands. “I could not let you go without saying good-bye.”
Rebecca burst into tears.
Oh, dear. She’d never quite known what to do with the tears of others. Secretly, Emeline had often thought that ladies who wept in public were desirous of attention. She hardly ever wept, and never in front of others—that is, she realized, until last night with Samuel.
Propelled by that uncomfortable thought, Emeline started forward. “There, there,” she muttered as she patted Rebecca’s shoulder awkwardly.
“I’m sorry, my lady,” Rebecca gasped.
“That’s all right,” Emeline said gruffly, and handed her a handkerchief. What else could she say? She was almost certain that she herself was the cause of Rebecca’s grief. “Shall I ring for tea?”
The girl nodded, and Emeline led her to a chair while she gave orders to the maid.
“I just wish things could be different,” Rebecca said when the maid left again. She sat twisting the handkerchief in her hands.
“As do I.” Emeline sat on a settee and arranged her skirts with far too much care. Perhaps if she didn’t look at the girl, she could get through this. “Have you set a date when you will leave?”
“Tomorrow.”
Emeline looked up. “That soon?”
The younger woman shrugged. “Samuel found a berth on a ship just yesterday. He says we will sail tomorrow and leave the bulk of our belongings to be packed and sent on a later vessel.”
Emeline winced. Samuel must want to be quit of England—of her—very badly.
“Is it because you don’t love him?” Rebecca burst out.
The question was so sudden, so startling, that Emeline answered without thinking. “No.” She caught her breath at the near-admission and shook her head. “There are so many things.”
“Can you tell me?”
Emeline stood and paced to the fireplace. “There’s rank and position, of course.”
“But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
Emeline couldn’t bear to look at the younger woman, so she stared into the glowing fire instead. “You come from a different country, one so far away. I don’t think that Samuel would want to make his home here in England.”
Rebecca was silent, but her very stillness demanded explanation.
“I have my family to think about.” Emeline inhaled. “There’s only Daniel and Tante Cristelle now, but they depend on me.”
“And you believe that Daniel and your aunt would refuse to sail to America?”
Put like that, her objection was an obvious fabrication. Yes, Tante Cristelle would grumble at a sea voyage, but the old lady need not even leave England if she did not wish to do so. And Daniel would probably be ecstatic at the mere thought of seeing America.
Emeline twisted her fingers into the gathers at her waist. “I don’t know...” She looked up and met Rebecca’s eyes. “They all left me, you see. Reynaud and my husband and Father. I don’t think I can do that again—trust in another to keep me safe.”
Rebecca frowned. “I don’t understand. Samuel would never allow anyone to harm you.”
Emeline laughed, although the sound was rusty. “Yes, that’s what I grew up thinking. Even though the matter was never articulated aloud, it was understood that the gentlemen of my family would cherish me and keep me safe. That I would never have to fear for my situation. They would manage the affairs, and I would be a lovely companion and care for their home. But it didn’t work out that way, did it? First Reynaud was lost to the war in the Colonies; then Danny died when we were both very young, and then Father”—she caught her breath because she had never said this last to anyone—“then Father died and I was abandoned, don’t you see? With Reynaud gone, the title, the estates, everything went to a cousin.”
“They left you without money?”
“No.” Emeline’s hand jerked, and she heard stitches tearing on her gown. “Obviously I have enough money. The Gordon income is quite sufficient. I only chaperone for pin money. But I no longer had anyone to lean on, don’t you see? They all left me. Now I make the decisions in my life and the lives of Tante Cristelle and my son. I worry over the investments and whether Daniel should go to Eton soon. I must watch the land stewards to make sure they do not embezzle my monies. There is no one else I trust, no one else I depend upon save myself.”
She shook her head, knowing what she was trying to say was intangible. “I can’t relax, you see. I can’t just...be.”
How odd that she would confess this to Rebecca now when she’d been entirely unable to talk to Samuel about this.
