Neacal avoided his gaze. "You would need to ask her."
His friend knew something more, blast him. If she'd changed her mind about marrying him, Colin was tempted but… "I cannot allow her to take my focus away from capturing Holme."
"'Tis not my place to speak for her, but I don't believe that's her intention."
"Of course not." Annoyance grated at Colin. "That's simply what she does to me. She drives me mad and distracts me. 'Tis why I stayed at Bearach too long and allowed Holme to come here and kill my father. If only I'd started home the next morn after I delivered Kristina to Bearach, my father would still be alive." Allowing his fury to burn beyond his control, Colin now felt the mad urge to throw his tankard against the stone fireplace. Instead, he placed it on the table, arose and paced.
Neacal shook his head for a long moment, looking saddened. "'Tis not your fault. You cannot blame yourself."
"But I do, a thousand times over."
"You had no inkling Holme was coming here."
"I should've guessed," Colin growled. "If only I'd been in my right mind instead of thinking about Kristina every moment."
Neacal blew out a breath. "Well… I ken how you feel. I blame myself for my father's death, too. He died because of the injuries he sustained in rescuing me from that torture chamber. But I've been able to forgive myself. I think my da would want me to do that and get on with my life. We cannot go back and change the past."
Grief ripped at his heart yet again. "But I wish I could, more than anything."
"Aye, me too. But life is not perfect. We must learn our lessons and go on."
Feeling dejected, Colin slumped onto the chair. "I do not ken how to."
Neacal leaned forward. "I'm here for you, brother. For anything you need help with."
Even though they were not brothers by blood, they certainly were by spirit, as well as foster brothers.
"I appreciate that," Colin said. "I already told the elders I won't go through with the inauguration until Red Holme is dead or captured. If I cannot succeed at that, I don't deserve to be chief."
"You will. I have no doubt of it."
Colin shrugged. "I can only hope." He shook his head. "I cannot get used to being called laird or chief. That title has always been my father's."
"I felt the same way the first few weeks. I never expected to be chief," Neacal said. "'Twas supposed to be my older brother's position. When he was killed in that raid, I was ill prepared for the role. Plus, half the clan and most of the elders were against me early on, but I have blundered through."
"You're doing a fine job leading your clan."
"And you will, too. Your da taught you well. He taught both of us much when we were lads."
Colin's chest ached so deeply he could hardly draw breath. "I miss those days."
"As do I, but the present can be just as good, if you let it. I had to accept that the past is in the past and all I have is the present. Either I can give up and amount to naught, or I can do my best, keep my head up, and look the future. Anna helped me gain the will to go forward. She gave me a reason."
"I'm truly glad you found her."
"What about you and Kristina?"
Colin's heart sank. "There is much unspoken between us."
"You could talk to her after supper."
"Mayhap." Did he truly wish to put his heart on the rack again?
"Do you still care for her?"
Colin frowned. How could his friend even ask that? "Of course. That's the problem. She doesn't want what I do."
"You won't know whether she's changed her mind until you ask her."
