“Brooke, stop. I don’t want someone ‘healthy’! I want you!” His voice was still low in volume, but his chest was heaving, his fingers flying into angry air quotes, and his eyes full of fire like they’d been at the reunion.
He began to pace the yard, then stopped in front of me again.
“Is this about last night? Look, it wasn’t planned. We got carried away. But nothing with you scares me, Brooke. Whatever happens, I’ll be here. I’llalwaysbe here. Don’t you know that by now?”
“You’re the one who doesn’t get it.”
“Then help me! Help me get it!”
The tears running freely down my face were my only reply.
“Don’t do this again, Brooke. Don’t shut me out. Please.” He held my hands in his, and I finally met his gaze. I could feel him searching my eyes for answers. “I know I’m not the only one who feels this—connection between us. I know you might be scared, but you don’t have to push me away. We can figure it out...”
He trailed off, and my mind was already lost to its spiral.
I couldn’t form the words. The best thing in my life was imploding, and all I could do was stare at him, my mind muddled and my expression blank.Why did my brain so often abandon me at times like these? Why couldn’t I just communicate, like an adult?It was like a mental wall had formed between my brain and my mouth. I wanted to speak, but I felt like I literally couldn’t form the words. I continued mentally berating myself, but the words stayed imprisoned inside me.
“Brooke—” he pleaded. This man I loved was literallybeggingme to explain myself.
I reached out and pulled him to me in a tight hug, which he reciprocated, but still—the words wouldn’t come.
He held me for a few moments, then slowly stepped away, searching my face. His absence made me ache. The world around us felt fuzzy, like we were living in a dreamlike state. My head swam, the night of lost sleep adding to the feeling of helplessness.Could this all be a bad dream? Would I wake up and everything would be fine?
Cade opened his mouth several times as if to speak, but no words came out. After several minutes, he met my eyes and kissed my forehead, then slipped into the house.
A few minutes later he returned, carrying his duffel. He found me still standing listlessly in the yard, staring off at nothing.
“Owen said he could drop me at the airport. I can’t miss my flight. I don’t think—you’re not in any state to drive right now.”
I shook my head, tears rolling down my cheeks. Even when I was pushing him away, he was still concerned with my well-being. He leaned in and kissed my forehead once more.
“I’ll text you when I land, okay? I love you. Brooke? I love you.”
I watched him walk away.
33
CADE
Ididn’t understand.
How could I? I’d proven myself to her, over and over. I’d been her friend. I thought I’d been a good boyfriend. Still, she pushed me away.
Why?
I knew the distance was hard. Too hard? Did I need to give up my job, my apartment, my life in California, and move across the country—just to have a chance with her? What happened if I did all that, and shestillrejected me? What then? Part of me was terrified to feel the way I felt at 17, putting it all on the line, then suffering another rejection so bad there wasn’t a place on earth far enough to run away from the pain.
I still called her, every day.
To my sweet relief, she continued to answer.
But it wasn’t the same. I could feel her stacking up bricks, building a wall between us, increasing the distance between us that already felt almost impossible to cross.
Our phone conversations became stilted, robotic. We were still going through relationship motions, but full-of-life Brooke had slipped through my fingers once again.
I had no idea how it had happened, and worse—no idea how to fix it.
34
