It wasn’t going to be easy, but from what she’d described, she was going to have to address the situation sooner or later, or her wellbeing really was going to decline much further. It was so sad to see her suffering like this. I was inclined to agree with Bouchra, that Kaira should just leave, but I didn’t want to disagree with her anymore. Her confidence was clearly low and she needed support. And strength.
“Thanks, guys. That all really helps. Really, it does,” Kaira mumbled.
Nell raised her glass. “To horrible bosses! May they one day learn to fuck off and keep fucking off!”
We cheered to that and the conversation turned to Kaira and Bouchra’s plans for their next trip away to a remote Scottish island.
After a while, I went over to Lily, Oscar, and Jacob who were still chatting and put my hand on Lily’s shoulder. Lily was sociable and easy to get along with. I loved how well she fitted into our group.
She reached up and put her hand on mine, stroking me with the back of her thumb. A warmth spread through mychest. Even while we were out with friends, I still felt connected to her. I was still gobsmacked that the former captain of the England women’s football team,theLily Sharpe, was my girlfriend.
Oscar was going on about a play he’d seen at the theatre. He’d got free tickets because he was sleeping with the guy on stage door. It was good to hear about him getting out and about again.
“I swear to God it was so good I was in tears at the end and I don’t ever fucking cry. I went through to stage door after it and told him he could go fuck himself. He wrapped his arms around me and now we’re dating. I need a man who knows what I need and isn’t afraid of my shit. Someone who can handle me, you know.”
Lily nodded, uncertainly. “He sounds great.”
Jacob sighed. “He does sound great but can you please try not to push him away? When he takes an ounce of space, don’t take it personally.”
Oscar flared his nostrils. “Of course I’m going to take that personally.”
Jacob rolled his eyes. For a straight guy, he was so knowledgeable and sensitive to both of our gay dating lives. He was also one of the best musicians of our time, in my opinion. Oscar had been in love with Jacob as a teenager. They had tried to be a couple for about a week, but it wasn’t for Jacob. They’d stayed best friends ever since and I was what made us a trio. I loved them dearly.
“I’m with you on that, Oscar,” I said, as a show of support. Once I was in a relationship, I was all in. The person became my entire world. Apparently, I had an anxious attachment style. I could feel myself getting like that with Lily already and it scared me. That’s why I wasn’t sureif it was love or just me getting too attached too quickly again.
Lily was looking at me as if she had just discovered something new about me that she wasn’t sure if she liked. That look was never good.
“Anyway we’re going to another show together but this time he won’t be working. Who knew I’d ever get into going to the theatre. I feel like I’m becoming a fully self-actualised gay man now. Next thing I know I’ll be taking acting lessons for musical theatre.”
“You’d get into that no bother with your voice,” I said.
“Totally,” Jacob said too. “They’d be lucky to have you.”
Oscar loved being the centre of attention. I could tell he was enjoying all the focus being on him and I agreed that musical theatre, or any kind of theatre or even acting might be an interesting thing for him to explore. Because there was no sign that we were ever going to be getting the band back together. That ship had sailed.
“Who wants another drink?” Lily asked.
She was generous, yes, but was she drinking a little too fast and too much? I’d noticed she tended to have a drink every day, usually just one or two with dinner, but then also when we were out, she could really pack them away. I was not a big drinker, more of a social one. I was more than happy with some fizzy water or a lime soda, or just a tiny gin and tonic.
Jacob went with her to the bar after he insisted on getting the next round. Lily and Jacob would get on well, I thought, as they were both strong leaders and just both very good people with good values. But how well did I truly know Lily at this point? Again, I didn’t really believe you could know any person after only a couple of months. If I compared it with my friends, in some ways, I didn’t know my friends atall at first. It was only after years together that I really grew to understand them and where they came from.
It just wasn’t possible to fully know Lily yet. That’s why I needed to hold back and not let myself fall any deeper, because once I was in love, I would be done for. My judgement would go out the window. I was already only seeing her through rose tinted glasses.
“You are such a lesbian,” Oscar said, poking me in the ribs.
I turned to him. “What do you mean?”
“Look at you staring at her. You’re like a pining teenager. You’re like a bush in the desert, starved for water. A puppy wanting its toy back.”
“Okay I get it, Shakespeare.”
“You’re in love.”
“I’m not sure if it is yet.”
“I think it’s obvious.”
“Is it love or am I in love with how she makes me feel about myself?”
