For the rest of my life, I’ll think about what might’ve been. The life we could have shared if fate had spared us more time. I knew from the start we were doomed. Even before I knew he’d die, I knew this couldn’t go anywhere. We are from two different worlds. It’s not as if I didn’t know how the story would end. I only just avoided it. And yet, knowing all this. I’d do it all over again if given the chance.
I will carry him in my heart for the rest of my life. Even though we have said goodbye, a part of him will always be with me. And for every bit of excruciating pain I feel right now, I also feel grateful. Meeting him was worth it. Loving him was worth it.
And the worst part of it all is that I never even told him I loved him. I believed saying it would make the inevitable goodbye even harder. I thought admitting love for something gives it even more power to break your heart. But in truth, the goodbye was harder because I didn’t say it. I wish I’d had the courage to say it, loudly and often. Because more than anything, he deserved to know. Charlie deserved to know how much I love him. He deserved to be loved out loud, not hidden in the dark shadows of my heart.
I never even thought myself capable of love like this. All my life I’ve believed that love only brings pain, and I’ve put up walls to shield myself from that pain. But love brings joy. It also brings pain; I know that. But the joy far outweighs anything else. And the joy gets you through the pain. You can’t have one without the other, and that’s the beautiful thing about love. It’s not about someone shielding you from life’s pain, but walking through it with you.
I should have told him a thousand times, every single chance I got. When all is said and done, it matters. When there’re no words left to say except the ones that need to be said the most. Those last words are important. They linger, hanging above, long after everyone is gone. Sometimes they’re all you have left of someone. And not everyone gets that perfect moment at the end, that closure.
I held my father’s hand as he passed, as he left this world for another. In his last few days, he drifted in and out of consciousness as we awaited the inevitable. But in that last moment, he was himself, and it was just us. He lightly squeezed my hand and whispered "my girl" before taking his last shallow breath and peacefully passing away. And now that it’s only a memory I have to look back on, I feel grateful that we had that moment of connection. In the last moment of his life, he knew I was there for him and I knew he loved me. And that is mine to keep.
Ben comes back into the sitting room after doing a last sweep of his cabin. He stops in front of me and gently takes my hands in his.
“It’s time, Ali.” His tone is steady and sure, but I can also hear pity in his voice. His eyes are full of compassion. He knows I’m not ready, but I don’t think any length of time would prepare me for what needs to be done. I know that for the safety of Ben, Eric, and Sarah, I can’t prolong this. I squeeze his hand, not wanting to let go of the one thing I have left.
He pulls me gently toward the center of the room where Eric and Sarah are standing. Eric has one hand already gripping the cart in case the water level becomes too high or the ship tilts too much.
Ben opens his hand, revealing his pocket watch. He looks around the circle we have formed. “Are we all ready?”
Sarah nods, removes her brooch and holds it in her hand. Eric follows and displays a pocket watch in the palm of his hand.
Ben turns to me, his eyes looking for acceptance. He nods toward my necklace.
“Ali,” he says gently, keeping his eyes on me. I’m not sure he has the confidence or trust that I won’t back out at the last second as they all leave. Part of me doesn’t have the trust in myself either.
“I know.” I nod as I reach toward the necklace. The ship is creaking and groaning in pain beneath me. With a deep breath, I close my eyes and slide my finger over the button.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Francesca by Hozier
April 15, 1912
The cabin door swings open, causing the water that’s quickly rising in the room to splash and wave. The four of us are still here, the noise having startled us just before we could all press our buttons. Charlie stands in the doorway, out of breath with his jacket unbuttoned. He’s removed his bowtie. His hair is slightly out of place, as if his own hand had run through it or he had a perilous journey to reach our cabin.
Is he truly here? This has to be a cruel joke. This is just my grief imagining him to be here. I must have entered the phase of denial and am just seeing what I want to see. The room is quiet, aside from the sounds of water and creaking. Everything is at a standstill. Ben, Sarah, and Eric look toward him in a state of shock. Their matching gaping expressions make me realize it’s actually real.He’s here.
I am at a complete loss for words. All I can manage is a broken cry. “Charlie?”
He strides toward me assertively through the rising water, taking my face in his hands. “Turns out I can’t let you go either.”
“What… what are you saying?” I can hardly put words together. I feel like a blubbering mess. I never expected to see his face again and now that he’s here, I immediately hope he’s changed his mind.
I’m scared to let myself believe in what I hope he means. I can’t go through another goodbye. It was hard enough on deck. I can’t have him watch me leave as the water surrounds him. I don’t want my last sight of him to be in the cold, rising water.
He leans closer against me and wipes a tear from my cheek. “I want this. I wantyou.”
I have one hand on his chest, and I wrap the other around his neck. I look deep into his eyes and smile in disbelief.
“I love you.”
Charlie smiles, his eyes glisten with tears in them. He presses his forehead to mine, cupping his hands gently around my jawline. We feel all alone at this moment, the water no longer cold, the dress no longer heavy, the room no longer crowded. I can feel his tears falling onto my face.
“I love you, Alice.”
“You love me?” I can hardly believe it. He loves me.Me. I don’t know why the realization surprises me.
“I do. I knew it the moment I saw you.” He smiles as he traces my cheek with his thumb. “Take mehome.”
