Ellie was ahead of me again, heading for a set of three townhouses I’d walked by a hundred times before. When sheturned up the walkway of the one closest, on the far right, I stopped again, disbelief rendering me unable to move.
She’d been living here. Ellie and Henry. I didn’t live in Quince Valley anymore, I was in Greenville, the next town over. But I worked here. And Ellie and oursonwere right there, behind a door not thirty feet away from where I liked to walk on my lunch break. The place I liked to catch the spring air and remember how to breathe. There was a work van parked in the driveway, a minivan pulled up tight behind it.
Before I knew what was happening, Ellie had turned around and was dragging the stroller backward, bouncing up the steps one by one.
Fuck. I should have been there, helping. But by the time I got there, she’d already reached the top and was digging around in her purse. She’d turned the stroller into the corner of the stoop. It was facing away from me, so I couldn’t see inside. But something made me put my hand on the handle. What if it rolled back down?
“Ellie,” I said. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No shit.” She chewed her lip as she dug around inside, then made this sound of frustration before starting to pull handfuls of stuff out of the large bag. Gum and receipts and lip balm. Wrappers and little baggies with what looked like rice crackers inside. A container of something with jaunty pink writing on it—baby juice?
My vision was getting blurry. Something hot burned at my throat.
I never thought I’d see Ellie again. She’d transitioned in my brain from a real person to these deep, well-worn fantasies. Like someone I’d made up. I could barely reconcile her with the woman before me. The one now dumping her purse fully upside down onto the concrete stoop.
“Can I help you?” I asked weakly. The question was laughable. Because obviously I’d neglected to help her from day one.
“No!” Her eyes were brimming with tears. “I can’t find my keys.” The baby had started to cry. “Fuck.”
“What can I do?”
“You can not ask me that! That’s what you can do!” Ellie reached into the stroller, making a few clicks sound. Then she pulled out the baby. He was covered in blankets. She wrinkled her nose as she clutched him to her chest, making a slightly revolted sound before kissing his head. His scalp was furred in a layer of dark fuzz. Pudgy arms that flapped like wings.
My son.
I was pretty close to hyperventilating.
Ellie looked at me for a moment over his head. “Actually, yes,” she said. “You can help.”
I forced myself to breathe normally. I’d do anything. Everything. “What do you need?”
“Tell me why you’re so surprised about this, Sam.”
I swallowed, my throat filled with sand.
That’s not what I expected. Physical labor I could do. An errand. Breaking the door down so she could get inside. But this? What was I supposed to say? I’m an idiot and didn’t think about how human anatomy works. I’m an idiot because I decided I’d venture out one last time before settling down. I’m terrified because I don’t remember a whole month of my life.
Ellie’s nostrils flared. “Don’t eventhinkof lying to me. Because I emailed you. More than once. You stopped responding when I said I needed to talk to you. Then I told you exactly what was going on, and still nothing. I guess I should have gotten the hint. But I didn’t. I tried calling you. I got Sarah to give me your sister’s number, butsheblocked me too. Do you know how that feels? To be treated like a stalker when all I was trying to do was inform you that you have a fucking child? I don’t need any help, by the way. I don’t want a single goddamned thing from you. I just wanted to tell you,because it’s the right thing to do. But I guess you wouldn’t know about that.”
I couldn’t believe what she was saying. Each word felt like a hurled stone. Each one a painful thud that filled the inside of my ribs with shame.
“It’s not like that,” I said. “I promise. I can explain.”
I realized how clichéd those words are the second they were out. But I could. I could. It was the perfect storm of coincidences and terrible, unfortunate pieces of time that lined up in the worst possible way.
I opened my mouth to tell her some semblance of that, but her face softened and she closed her eyes. “Con. Thank God.”
I felt a presence behind me and turned to see a tall, handsome redheaded man next to a middle-school aged kid who looked just like him. The man looked familiar. I’d seen him before. The kid was looking curiously between me, the pile of stuff on the ground, and the baby.
“Everything alright?” the man asked. Not me. Ellie.
“No. I’m locked out, and I have to go get Tommy in an hour.”
“Oh. Okay, hang on.” He jogged over to the townhouse two doors down from Ellie’s and disappeared inside.
“Hi,” the kid said to me. He was still hanging out on the sidewalk next to me. “I’m Archie.”
I don’t know why, but I felt like this was the nicest anyone had ever been to me before. I was eternally grateful. “Hey,” I said. “Sam.”
