I needed him to leave.
I reached for Henry, deeply aware of the heat that rocketed through me as I brushed Sam’s chest with the back of my hand. Furious with myself for feeling it.
“You were a huge help today, Sam.” My voice was wooden. Distant. “Thank you. I’ll walk you out.”
“It’s okay?—”
But I was already walking past him, holding my breath so I wouldn’t catch his scent. I didn’t trust myself to breathe the same air as him right now, frankly. I was possessed by some humiliating, horny entity.
I headed down the hallway with Henry, nuzzling his cheek like a comfort object.
Downstairs, I opened the front door, leaning against it on the stoop as Sam slipped his shoes back on and came outside. It was a warm night, though there was a cool breeze coming off the river.
Sam came out and stood there for a moment, his eyes on Henry.
I tried not to look. Really I did. But Sam was so close I could see the pulse in his throat. The dark fan of his lashes as he blinked. And when I met his eyes, they were already on mine.
No. Please no. I need you far away.I was suddenly grateful for his wanderlust. But how far would be far enough? Greenville? Singapore? Mars?
An older couple passing on the river walkway smiled at us with a softness I could see from here. It pulled my eyes from Sam, and for that I was grateful.
I smiled politely at them. Said hello.
“Beautiful night,” they said.
Sam and I agreed.
They thought we were a family. If only they knew.
I needed to go back inside. But what do we do here, shake hands? Wave?
Just as I was going to speak, Henry babbled. “Baba!”
Sam’s eyes lit up. “I think he’s getting used to me.”
Something inside of me felt dangerously close to cracking. Sam was falling for his son already, I could see it. It was wonderful, and it was painful, and I wanted to put a door between us so I could think straight. Because something almost toxic in its intensity flowed through me when I was close to this man. It made my insides feel like they’d melted. It was bad, and it needed to end.
Henry reached out and grasped Sam’s nose, giggling as Sam said “Ouch!” through a laugh.
I wanted to tell him Henry was good with everyone. To sayIt’s not like he knows you’re his dad.I wanted to say something cruel.
But then, Henry giggled, and Sam laughed again and instead a brick tumbled from the top of the wall I’d built inside of me.
“Yes,” I said, unable to lie. “I think he likes you.”
Sam’s eyes met mine. Those beautiful blue eyes.
“Goodnight, Sam,” I said.
Sam lifted his arms.
My stomach plunged. He wasn’t going in for a hug, was he? We were not going to do that. I couldn’t.
But then he dropped them, instead raising up only his right one, palm up.
He wanted ahigh five.
Seeing my expression, Sam shot his arm back down. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I, uh?—”
