Which is why, after Henry’s and my third solo walk, I decided to do something about it.
After dropping Henry off a few days ago, I’d knocked on Conrad’s door, asking if he might possibly be interested in giving me some dad lessons. Which is why I was here this afternoon. Archie had a professional development day at school so he was home and had been helping out too. In exchange, I ordered pizza for the two of them, arranging for it to arrive later tonight, after I was gone. I thought it would be too weird for Ellie to come home to find me eating with her neighbors. I’d offered Mrs. Oxford a pie too—she’d let us use the stroller for this, but she declined. At least she didn’t look at me like she wanted to call the cops on me anymore though. She just looked tired.
“Okay, well I think I’ve got this one well enough,” I said now. “What’s next on the agenda?”
Conrad consulted the list he’d made. “Diapers.”
Archie made a grossed-out face. “I’m gonna skip that. My game’s callin’ my name.” He jogged up the back deck.
Archie cracked me up.
I was glad I’d reached out to Conrad—he was a good dad. If I could have a relationship with Henry like he had with his son, I’d be golden. Though Archie’s mom didn’t appear to be anywhere in the picture, I wanted Ellie in mine.
“Should we take a break first?” Conrad asked.
“Hell yes,” I said. “That stroller nearly broke me.”
We dropped into two of the four Adirondack chairs positioned around the steel fire pit in Conrad’s backyard.
“You’ll get the hang of it,” my new friend said, reaching for a couple of cans of bubbly water from the cooler next to him.
“I don’t know,” I said, scowling at the stroller as I caught the can Conrad tossed at me. “I swear that thing was designed by the dark lord.”
“Hey, thirty seconds isn’t bad at all. Don’t tell Arch, but I had to throw the first one we ever got in the trash because I wrecked it trying to close it.”
“How’d you do that?”
Conrad grimaced as he cracked open his can. “I jumped on it. Under-slept new dad. You know how it is.”
I didn’t really. Conrad seemed to realize it at the same time. He lowered his drink from his mouth before taking a sip. “Shit. I’m sorry, man.”
“Don’t be. I wish I did know though. I’m not getting the whole experience.” It already made my chest hurt that I missed out on the pregnancy part. The watching my son come into the world part.
Then I thought about the reason why I’d missed it. I’d been thinking about that a lot in the past few days. Ever since Ellie had almost asked me.
There were people who knew parts of the story. Cora. My parents. The cops. The hospital. But nobody who knew all of it, all put together. I’d barely sketched it all out for myself. I wanted to do right by her. But fuck, the thought of looking at it head-on like that made me sick.
I pressed a hand onto my pocket, feeling the little bump there. Then I grabbed my water, guzzling the stuff downto clear my head.
It was a hot day, the beginning of the last month of the school year for the kids. I peered over the fence. From here, I could see Ellie’s back deck, and the dark glass of her two patio doors.
“So… how’s it going between you two?” Conrad had caught me looking.
“Oh. Yeah. Fine.”
Conrad arched a brow. “You sure?”
I shrugged. “It’s a little weird. But we’ve been doing better. And I don’t think there’s any way around it being like that.”
“I can’t imagine,” Conrad said. He hesitated for a minute, then asked, “Is there anything going on between you two?”
“Why do you ask?” That came out a little too sharp.
“Oh, I dunno, because we’re doing baby lessons.”
“I need to learn how to be a dad.”
“Not many dads voluntarily study how to do it.”
