“So I want to be a good dad.”
“Also, you keep looking over there.”
I swallowed the drink in my mouth a little too fast. “Nothing’s going on.” I thought about our last few interactions, how Ellie and I had kept things high level, not drifting close to anything personal like we had at the park. I knew it was to keep things safely distant between us, but I didn’t like it.
At Conrad’s curious look, I said, “Neither of us are in a place for anything like that. Plus, it’d be too messy.”
“Right. In case you guys hooked up and then it didn’t go well.”
My esophagus burned. I couldn’t picture that happening. Then again, even the first part of that wasn’t happening. So it didn’t matter.
I grunted. Hopefully it sounded like agreement. And like I didn’t want to talk about this. Which I didn’t. It just made me depressed.
But Conrad wasn’t done. “I guess you guys have to think of everything like custody and legal arrangements. It’s kind oflike a divorce. Or maybe a reverse divorce. Except without the romance. What are you going to do about all that?”
I swallowed, everything feeling a little tight. “I don’t know.” I rubbed my chest.
“Hey, I just?—”
“No, you’re right.” I set my drink down a little too hard, then pressed the heels of my palms onto my eyes before dropping my hands into my lap. “The thing is, I don’t know anything. Things are fine, but they’re not fine. They’re good, all things considered, but…” I trailed off. What was I going to say? That I had a crush on the mother of my child? That felt immature. And disingenuous.
I hardly knew Conrad, but I appreciated that he didn’t beat around the bush. And somehow, I felt like I could trust him. Probably because he was a SAR volunteer. And a dad too, one nice enough to help me out with this. I sighed. “I had the best time with her the night we conceived Henry. And the day after. We talked the whole time. As well as other stuff obviously. But I thought I’d never see her again. Now, things are more complicated.”
“Which part?”
“The stuff you were talking about. Kids. Me. Her history. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We decided being friends is easiest.”
Conrad examined me, his brow knitted. “Is that what you want?”
I thought of my dad, when I told him I was dropping out of college, and therefore baseball.Is that what you really want Sam? I don’t think it is.
“It doesn’t matter what I want. I’ll respect her decision no matter what.”
“Goes without saying,” Conrad said. “But it doesn’t mean you don’t get to think about what you want.”
I took a swig of the bubbly water. “I guess the truth is I don’t know what I want. With anything. I don’t think I’veever really known for sure. I want a good life. I want to spend time with Henry. I want to volunteer with SAR in some way. I want—” I glanced over at Ellie’s place again, my chest aching like something had fallen out of there. “I want Ellie to be happy. But besides that, I don’t know. It’s why I’ve travelled what feels like the whole world, like the answer is hiding somewhere not here. But it doesn’t matter where I go. I just feel unmoored. Like nothing ever feels right.”
Except… being with Henry felt right. Being with Ellie felt right, too. I thought for a moment how I swore, despite what we’d landed on, that I’d seen her looking at me in a certain way. Maybe that was just me being hopeful. Also, looking didn’t mean she wanted anything more. And I would nevereverput any kind of pressure on her to change her mind. Even thinking about it made me feel gross.
But what ifshechanged hermind?
Conrad was still looking over at me. “You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.”
I ran a hand over the back of my neck. “I kind of do. Not quite yet, but at some point, we have to decide how we want to handle being parents together. Over the long term.”
For a moment, we sat in silence, my guts roiling.
Then Conrad rubbed his forehead. “You know, Archie’s mom sees him only once a year.”
I was shocked by that. “What?”
“Yeah. For the month of August. She lives in Cape Town. Can you believe that? A fucking whole other continent. Couldn’t be farther away.”
“What does she do there?”
Conrad shrugged. “Fucks her rich husband, I guess.” His bitterness burned through the air like something acidic. His eyes darted to the house, like he was worried his son would overhear, but the windows and doors were closed.
“So you’re on good terms then?” I joked.
