I’d been waiting to find my place in the beautiful minutiae of life. To have a life that didn’t seek some kind of external end point, but found joy in existing every day with people I loved. To be a part of a family, where I got to pack lunches and run baths, to tie shoes and kiss baby cheeks. Where I had the privilege to love people simply because—like Ellie said—it was easy to do.
I picked up the doll, holding it in one hand and the baby sock in the other. My throat burned with a lump that had me swallowing hard, leaning back on the couch.
Thiswas my life's purpose. To be a dad.
To be a husband.
To honor and love and protect the woman I loved and myfamily until the day I died.To support her through caring for her and our family.
To love and to love and to love.
Ellie told me she didn't know how much she had to give. But all I needed was for her to give me herself, just as she was.
I wanted to run back downstairs and wrap my arms around Ellie to whisper into her ear that I had figured it out. To tell her I was going to be fucking super-dad. The best dad in the world. That I was going to marry her and be the best husband in the world, too.
I knew I had to chill, though. I couldn't just tell Ellie that I wasn't going anywhere, or be anything like the shitty exes who’d never deserved her. I had to show her. Somehow.
My mind was reeling. I felt wired. But I'd only had an hour of sleep. I ought to have a little more before the rest of the house woke up. Just as I was laying back down though, footsteps sounded on the stairs.
I held my breath. But it wasn't Ellie who appeared in the doorway. It was Tommy.
“Hey,” I said. I looked up at the clock in the dining room. It was only half-past five.
“What are you doing up?” I asked.
Tommy rubbed his eyes, ignoring my question. “Do you sleep sitting up?”
I couldn't help laughing. Tommy’s deadpan delivery could be misconstrued as rudeness if you didn’t know him. This kid was hilarious. I loved him, just like I loved Henry.
“Only when I'm driving,” I managed.
This got at least a little smile out of him.
“Do you want to sit down?” I moved over to make room for him.
He did come over, but he opted to sit on the chair next to the couch. He rubbed his eyes again, and I wondered if helooked at all like Henry when he was a baby. Then I thought of Ellie, alone and so young. Just the two of them together. They’d been through so much.
“Are you close with your dad?” Tommy asked.
The question surprised me. I leaned back, thinking about it. “No. Though for a while I guess you could have called it that. He took me to all my practices and games. Practiced ball outside with me for hours. We talked, sometimes.” I thought about it. “It was mostly about baseball, but sometimes we talked about other things. Like the neighbor's new car or something funny Mom or my sister had done.”
I remembered, suddenly, our private Morse code. How we used it in a few places outside of baseball. Once, Mom had burned this casserole she made. We’d all felt bad so still tried to eat it. But when I literally tapped out by tapping my fork on the table, Dad bent over to get something and ‘accidentally’ took the tablecloth with him. Mine and Cora’s plates had tumbled to the floor. That wasn’t nothing. I could have used that code later, when he couldn’t understand why the hell I was quitting baseball. When I just needed his support.
Tommy was studying me.
“We had our moments,” I said finally. “But no, it wasn’t the best relationship. And we’re not close now.” Even if I wished it were different. Especially since his health wasn’t great. At least I knew I would never,everbe this way with Henry.
“Did you get in trouble as a kid?” Tommy asked.
“A little, but not much. I was too busy with baseball.” I hesitated. “But Tommy, there's no wrong way to be a kid.” I kept my eyes on his. “I might not have run into the problems that you’ve had to deal with. Maybe your problems are worse than mine ever were. Some of them for sure were. But some weren't. I know I had big feelings and I couldn't really talk toeither of my parents about them. So if you're wondering if my life was somehow better with a dad in it, I’m—” I rubbed my shoulder, wanting to phrase this the right way. “I’m not sure anyone can provide a real answer to that. What I do know with absolute certainty is that your mom on her own cares more than a thousand moms and a thousand dads who don't. She works her ass off every day, and she’s proud to do it. And the reason why is you.”
“And Henry,” Tommy said.
“And Henry. But right now, I’m talking about you.”
Tommy gripped the arms of his chair. “I've made her worry so much.”
“Yeah, you have. But she wouldn't worry if she didn't love you more than life itself.”
