How many rats has Mathew slipped into my life?
How much of what I had with Rose was real?
How could I have let something like this exist under my nose?
As I'm wrestling with those thoughts, something else finally cuts through the noise and while it's one of many things that deserve my focus, this one stands out.
"You were assaulted," I say quietly. "The Vasiliev brothers… raped you."
Rose's eyes flicker slightly as she blinks fast, and she nods.
"And yet you… you still jumped into bed with me?" Sickness suddenly tightens in my gut and sweat breaks out down my back at the horror of what Rose must have been through before she ended up here.
How was sex with me any different?
No matter how I look at it, she was forced into sleeping with me and suddenly, I want to tear myself out of my own skin.
"Kon," Rose begins softly and her voice trembles as much as her body does.
I hold up a hand to stop her. "Rose… I am so sorry."
Her eyes widen, clearly not expecting an apology. "What?"
"I do not…" I catch myself quickly as bile threatens to tear its way up my throat. "I cannot fathom how I did not notice what you had suffered when we were in bed together." Surely therewere signs? Did I let my own lust just barrel through all of her reactions to me? "I am so sorry."
"You didn't force me," Rose replies quickly. "I never… okay." She takes a deep breath. "It was hard at first. I won't pretend it wasn't. But I treated it like any other kind of chore and then it just sort of became… I don't know. I liked how you treated me, I liked how you made me feel. And I was coming on to you all of the time. And even when… when things felt bad like in the library, you stopped immediately." She takes a half step toward me and her eyes shine with unshed tears. "It was real for me, okay? And it helped me."
"Help you?" The disgust at myself remains. "How could it help you?"
"I don't know, okay? I went from… I went from hell with them to suddenly being here with you and everyone told me you were a monster, so I prepared for more of the same. And then you were… kind. Attentive. You treated me with such passion that I was enjoying it. I was enjoying having control again, enjoying having fun and being free and everything was nice. I didn't think about them much because…" Her lower lip wobbles. "Because every touch from you erased a touch from them. I felt safe here. With you. And it has been tearing me up inside because when I started to fall for you, I realized I couldn't stay impartial anymore. It was easy when you were nobody because I didn't care if I hurt you. I just wanted my family safe. But then…"
Rose finally pulls her hands apart and drags a trembling hand through her hair.
A single tear escapes and she hastily wipes it away.
"Then I fell for you. And I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't know what to do because as much as I love you, I also love my sister and I don't at all understand why she's in the condition she's in now, because everything I was doing was to try and protect her. And that's why I also threw myself at Calvin. I was so desperate, thinking that if I just got pregnant from anyone, then I could buy us all time and I could fix this and s-save everyone."
I glance at Calvin, who immediately tenses as if expecting me to lash out, but all the anger and fury inside me is directed only at myself.
"I'm sorry, boss," Calvin says tightly. "She did tell me about her family, but not the whole truth. That's the real reason I waited. If she was a threat to you then I wanted to gain her trust to save you and if not, I wanted to see the whole picture before I risked anyone's life. Please believe me when I say keeping it a secret was to protect you."
Protect me.
I'm hardly the one who needs it.
Ethan, I suspect, would have done the same.
I look back at Rose and take a deep breath that makes everyone around me tense.
They expect me to unleash fury, but it remains contained because the sight of Rose before me, shaking as she tries to talk, is breaking my heart.
"Was…" I start to ask, but the words catch and cold fear wraps its hand around my throat as if trying to tell me I won't like the answer.
But I have to ask.
I have to know before I dive headfirst into tearing Mathew apart with everything I have.
Rose is a victim.
