Page 11 of Cruel Lies

He says a few more things I don't hear, but as he leaves my office and the door swings closed behind him, I finish the thought in my head.

Everything she deserves…

… including a better man than you.

4

CALI

Is it legal to have an emotional breakdown within five hundred yards of an elementary school? Asking for a friend.

The school pickup line at PS 234 moves at the speed of continental drift, which is fine by me, because right now my Volvo is the only place on Earth where nobody expects me to have my act together.

I'm fourth in line. Ahead of me, a woman in head-to-toe Lululemon is leaning out her window to flirt with the crossing guard. Behind me, somebody's idling Tahoe is blasting a podcast about how to manifest abundance. And here I am, parked in my little metal insane asylum, doing my best not to scream.

To distract myself from the impending meltdown, I've been scrolling through Google.

Best divorce attorneys NYC

Aggressive divorce lawyer Manhattan

Asshole shark divorce lawyer to rip your cheating husband's head off

Divorce lawyer cheating husband freeze assets

Fro-yo shop near me

The results are kind of bleak. Firstly, there's no fro-yo for ten blocks in any direction, so I can't just pop out of my car real quick and run to get a sweet treat to lift my spirits.

Secondly, lawyers and private investigators are both insanely expensive.

The first result demands to be paid in unmarked, non-sequential bills like he thinks he's Don freaking Corleone.

The second one's website has a stock photo of a man in a trench coat peering through binoculars, which feels too on the nose to take seriously.

The third one is a sharp-eyed woman named Donna who specializes in "infidelity and asset discovery," which sounds perfect, but the retainer she requires for the case assessment isfifty thousand actual, you-have-got-to-be-shitting-me United States dollars.That's fifty grand, just to seeIFshe'll take you on as a client!

I can't squirrel away that much money without drawing Todd's attention. No way, Jose.

I haven't confronted him. I want to. Every cell in my body is screaming to march into his office, flip his ergonomic desk, and feed him his own stupid, oversized watch until he confesses everything he's done.

But there's a new gremlin in town, a colder, borderline sociopathic one that's urging me to play my cards carefully.Don't tip your hand,it counsels in an icy whisper.Not until you understand the board.

So I sit in the pickup line and I don't even spend that much time calling Todd and his anonymous, 142-lb mistress every nasty name in the book. I just put on a meditation track, close my eyes, and try to find my inner Zen.

It works—kind of. For five-ish minutes of Buddhist bliss, I am at peace.

Then knuckles rap hard on my window.

I leave my earthly body behind and levitate out of my skin, like I just got caught doing something illegal. I don't think I have, but the flush on my face says otherwise.

I can only breathe again when I turn to see that it's Paula.

Oh, thank God.Just the woman I wanted to see.

Paula Sampson, Hayden's fourth-grade teacher, is leaning down to my window with her hair backlit by the afternoon sun like she's the subject of a Renaissance painting about the patron saint of being effortlessly hot.

I roll the window down. "You scared the literal piss out of me, girl."