Page 35 of The Turning of the Tables

And I’d chosen to walk away for my own sanity. I hope he figured it out. Got help. Ended up happy. But I didn’t know. I still felt guilty about that, sometimes. That I hadn’t been able to help him work through it. I guess he hadn’t been ready for that. Honestly, neither had I, which is why I’d walked.

Being single hadn’t lasted long, because I’d quickly ended up in Devin’s arms.

Devin, who’d told me I was exactly what he wanted. That only I could give him what he needed. That I was important to him.

Right up until he decided to wrap his mouth around some other guy’s dick. Or maybe that hadn’t been the first time. Or even the tenth. I had no idea, and I wasn’t ever going to ask. I’d gotten tested for everything I could, then tried to get on with my life.

I’d mostly stopped wondering what I’d done wrong. What I hadn’t been able to give him. Noah’s pep talks—telling me that it was about Devin, not me, that cheaters are gonna cheat and nothing you do will stop them, and so on—must be actually sinking in.

I don’t know how Devin would justify it. I’d literally walked out of his life and didn’t look back. Never answered his calls. Handed my phone to Noah so that he’d delete Devin’s texts without me reading them. Deleted the emails. Eventually blocked both his emails and his phone. Unfollowed and unfriended him on social media.

Cold turkey.

Flash forward two months and two one-night stands.

And now Elliot.

We hadn’t made any sort of promises—other than the one I madenotto make promises. We were supposed to have sex, have fun, and then move on with our lives.

I was supposed to go back to my crime scenes, make dinners, and do whatever it was I did.

Except I honestly wasn’t sure what that was. Work, yeah. Eating, yeah. But whatdidI do? I went to club nights sometimes with Noah. Went to movies with Noah. Went to drag brunch with Noah.

Maybe I spent too much time with Noah.

Noah had a much healthier life than I did. Friends. Coworkers he went out with. A significant other he loved who, for all that I wasn’t the biggest fan, seemed to love him back. Noah stayed at Lulu’s sometimes, and sometimes Lulu stayed with Noah. They went on dates. They snuggled on the couch and watched movies—sometimes I’d watch with them, but more often I’d end up back in my room, reading or streaming something on my laptop or phone.

Maybe I did have a problem finding guys who wouldbeforever because, secretly, I was afraid of it.

Or maybe I was just afraid that if I picked the right guy, Iwouldn’t be the right guy forhim. And it’s easier to avoid rejection if the more fucked-up person in your relationship is the other person.

Which is, for the record, pretty fucked up of me.

I sighed and forced myself to put the phone down.

I needed to get out more.

10

SETH MAYS

Can I ask a wood-related question?

ELLIOT CRANE

What kind of wood?

Tree wood.

Jesus.

Not where I was going.

You know there are many kinds of trees, right?

Yes.

Hard wood.