Chapter 1
JULES
LONDON
‘Excellent fondant penis, Minnie,’ Ash proclaims, picking it off her cupcake and inspecting it. ‘Really gives a sense of the occasion.’
Minnie shrugs with a tight smile. ‘It’s Reveal Day.’
‘Right, girls,’ I say, securing the last of the blackout blinds in my living room. ‘Ready?’
Ash’s eager eyes follow my every move as she bites the head off her penis. ‘Should we sign NDAs?’
I recoil. ‘Why? I trust you two with my life.’
Minnie’s baffled gaze swivels to Ash. ‘We didn’t sign NDAs the other times we did this.’
‘I know, but I’ve always wanted to sign an NDA.’
I grab my clicker and the screen bursts to life. Ash gives an appreciative,‘Ooo.’
‘It’s just a background, Ash, don’t wet yourself,’ I murmur.
‘I know, but it’s very exciting. In the last five minutes, @julesjewels’ fan poll has put basketball in the lead, with baseball close behind. Surfing was at the top this morning, but now it’s sixth.’
Jules’ Jewels, the title my fans gave to themselves. It’s a bit cringe, but it shows they see themselves as a collective, whichmakes my cold British heart swell. It’s every content creator’s dream to have a ‘club’ of people who share our values and buy into our lifestyle.
‘I can’t see Jules with a basketball player,’ Minnie muses, cupping her tea with both hands. ‘They’re too tall. And American.’
‘You think asurfer?’ Ash chimes in. ‘They’re way too chilled!’
Minnie snorts. ‘That’s true.’
I clear my throat with a loud,‘Ahm.’
‘Sorry. Proceed.’ Minnie flashes an angelic grin.
‘I can be chilled – if everything’s in place because I made it so,’ I mutter before turning to my PowerPoint. ‘Anyway, as you both know, each new boyfriend is selected from a professional sport?—’
‘Do you remember Dom, the swimmer?’ Minnie suddenly asks Ash.
‘God, he stank in the beginning.’
Minnie picks the penis off her cupcake. ‘Jules Butler, introducing men to benzoyl peroxide since 2021.’
‘At least we’re not going back to the NFL,’ Ash adds. ‘Those matches were like a circus. I had a headache for days.’
‘They’re calledgames, not matches,’ I point out. Not that I’m sad to be away from them either. If I never see that stupid gold miner mascot again, I won’t be sorry. ‘Can we continue please?’
They nod in unison.
I take a fortifying breath. ‘The sport must have major media attention, a large global audience, luxury branding, fashion crossover, and, ultimately, be cool. This year, one sport rises above all the others, and it is…’
I click for the next slide. My best friends gasp.
‘Formula 1,’ says Minnie, in disbelief.
‘Yay! Vroom vroom!’ Ash does a little flutter clap. ‘Who’s the lucky man?’
