‘What? No.’
‘I can be very hateable. You know that more than anyone.’
‘I didn’t know you then,’ I point out. ‘I could never hate you now I know you.’You’re my favourite, I want to add but don’t.
He exhales roughly. ‘You can’t just stay cooped up in here forever. You need to make things right one step at a time, and I think this is a step you can take right now. What would you say to him?’
‘That he…’ I falter, feeling like I really, really,reallydon’t want to open that box but it’s creaking open anyway, ‘made me feel small, and weak, and unlovable.’ I’m gaining speed, the words coming with surprising ease. ‘That he’s a bully. His actions were abuse. He tore me down to cover his own insecurities. And I let him.’ Oh good, I’m crying again. ‘He colours how I see myself, and h-how I let others see me. I built a career around getting back at him, and now it feels empty and m-meaningless.’ I wipe my tears with my sleeve but they keep coming. ‘And I hate him. And I hate how much I hate him. It consumes me, and it makes me feel like a f-fool because you’re right: he has no fucking idea.’
I cover my eyes with both hands and bawl. Tiago’s arms circle me, reminding me I’m in my house. I’m safe. With him.
‘I’m so proud of you, Jules,’ he says into my hair.
Chapter 45
JULES
Tiago convinces me to let Ash and Minnie come around. I don’t feel strong enough to possibly lose my best friend, but I do feel strong enough to apologise.
I wait in the living room while he opens the front door for them. He offers drinks like I’m hosting a Galentine’s party, and when Ash says she wants ginger beer – which I’m out of – he insists on going out to the shop. He has a flight to Mexico in five hours, what’s he doing going to Morrisons?
‘Abs couldnever,’ Ash announces, padding into the living room as the front door thumps shut. ‘All he does right now is watch other people play board games online. He doesn’t even play them himself.’
‘Did Tiago really need two jackets?’ Minnie asks. ‘It’s sunny out.’
My heart clenches hearing her voice, though she doesn’t… sound angry.
‘He definitely has sisters,’ decides Ash, flopping on the sofa opposite me, kicking off her slippers and curling her feet underneath her. ‘Julesy. What’s with the radio silence?’
I mumble something about dealing with a lot.
‘We were really worried about you,’ says Minnie, sitting beside me.
‘I’m really sorry, Mins,’ I say, unable to look at her, my voice breaking halfway through.
‘What?’ she and Ash say in unison.
‘Did you kill one of her dogs? That’s what you look like,’ Ash adds.
‘What? No! I saw all the stick you were getting online and I… You were right. I should never have come to F1. I never meant to make things difficult?—’
‘Shut up,’ she says, and I’m momentarily stunned. ‘I was never against you coming to F1. Iloveyou being on the circuit with me. I’ve just never been fond of this whole fake dating thing. I want you to find a man for real, and it looks like you already have…’ She raises her eyebrows.
‘We’re not?—’
Ashpffts. ‘Are you shitting me? That boy is so whipped, he could give Jack a run for his money.’
‘Hey!’ Minnie squeals.
‘My boyfriend prefers Monopoly to me. Get over it,’ Ash snaps.
Minnie pats my knee. ‘I could never be mad at you, Julesy. I love you. We’re a team.’
‘But what about all the comments blaming you? Undermining you?’
‘If you think I’m a stranger to keyboard warriors, think again. I’m on TV. It’s like a free pass for people to rip you to shreds. It actually makes a nice change from people saying my French is sloppy.’
I gasp. ‘Your French is stunning.’
