“I don’t want her to carry any guilt,” I continue, as if what I said so far isn’t painful enough to admit. “It’s not her fault. You can’t force someone to love you, I know this.” My laugh is hollow. “Been here before. But I don’t know how to be her friend or exist in the same room when it’s impossible to breathe. I won’t force her to navigate my emotions. She’s already been treated like her choices and autonomy are less important than others. I refuse to do the same.”
Wordlessly, Mateo hands me a pint of ice cream—birthday cake with sprinkles and cake chunks. The sugar melts on my tongue, and after a few massive spoonfuls, the disappointment fades from a pulsing throb in my diaphragm to an everlasting ache.
I set the sweet treat aside and find they’re all smiling at me. Amy’s version is kind and gentle. Charlie’s is deranged, more like a baring of teeth. Mateo’s is knowing yet comforting.
“I know I’m not great at this girl-talk stuff,” I admit, “but I don’t think you’re supposed to smile after I tell you I’m all twisted up about Sofía.”
“No. You’re right. I’m sorry,” Amy says, forcing hers away. Her lips twitch, and she focuses on my computer. “What are you working on?”
I tip the screen. “Cutting the footage we took while diving in Sydney. This is a leafy seadragon.”
“I don’t see anything.”
Pressing play, the video shows kelp flowing in the current. There’s a plume of sand—my fault from when Doug noticed the tiny guy and I got excited and hit a rock—and when the water clears, the seadragon floats out from its hiding spot.
The editing software flips through a few different clips at various angles, and then it cuts to wider-framed footage to display the ecosystem. Rocky bottom covered in kelp. The screen goes black, and Amy claps.
“And then you’ll add in the voice-over?” she asks.
“Once I finish piecing together the footage of the animals and add in a few of the interviews I collected from local guides and conservationists, I’ll send the draft cut to Brooks and Mavis. They host an incredible science podcast. They’ll select facts that fit the footage and record the audio for me to add into the first episode.”
“Impressive,” she says, shoving my shoulder.
“Are those the two podcasters who hate each other?” Mateo asks. “The one where they argue for half the episode?”
“Oh, Ilovethem. They’re hilarious,” Charlie says, plopping onto the already full sofa. I’m wedged between the two, and an elbow hits my gut as she adds, “But my favorite is the one Mavis does alone, where she breaks down conspiracy theories. She’s convincing.”
“We were into aliens and the Bermuda Triangle for a week,” Amy says. “I mean, it makes sense. They love pyramids, and a triangle is a two-dimensional pyramid.”
Mateo groans. “Not this again.” He rubs his temples. “She has no scientific backing to her crazy theories.”
“Sometimes you gotta follow the vibe,” Charlie says.
I know it’s only to push his buttons. There’s not a chance she’s “following a vibe.” When I laugh, three heads snap to me, and I realize what they’re doing. I love them for it.
Charlie places her phone face down on the coffee table, and Mateo joins us on the already full couch, sprawling across all three of us, his head facing Charlie and feet in Amy’s lap. He gives Charlie a kiss and Amy a playful kick.
This is why I came to Rhode Island.
My home was quiet and empty and void of joy.
Amy and Charlie’s apartment overflows with life and laughter.
“If she ever changed her mind, what would you do?” Mateo asks, lounging like a king. “If one day she told you she had feelings for you.”
Is he serious?
“Marry her before she could change her mind.”
He laughs, but he’s pushed to the ground as the girls sprint down the hallway, hushed whispers between them before a door slams shut. Mateo shrugs as we watch them disappear, content to steal the empty space on the couch and return to his thesis.
If Sofía told me she wanted more, it would be the easiest yes of my life.
Chapter 31
sofía
“Did you get all of that?” Amy asks, whispering into the phone in the safety of her bedroom.
