“Having second thoughts?” he asked in lieu of a greeting as I came up the front porch steps.
“Nah, just…” I cleared my throat a little as I searched for the words to adequately describe what I’d been thinking. “Tempering my expectations.”
He looked at me and I wasn’t sure what he was seeing, but after a moment he tilted his head back behind him and opened the door wider for me to enter. “Do you want a beer?”
“Sure,” I agreed, stepping inside and glancing around as Tucker walked off, presumably to the kitchen to get my drink.
The front door opened directly into a large entryway that bled seamlessly into a living room just ahead. Walking further into the cabin, the space continued to a kitchen just off the left of the living room. All the furniture was mixed and matched together to create a lived-in and homey feeling, the pieces looking passed down and well loved. It was exactly the kind of thing I’d expect from Tucker.Nothing designer or sleek clean lines. It was all functional and broken in, probably just the way he liked them.
I was meandering my way toward where a couch and a few comfy chairs were set up when a photo on a far wall caught my attention. At first, it was Tucker who I couldn’t take my eyes off. His grin was so damn proud and happy as he looked directly into the camera. He was so fucking handsome with his hair slicked back and all clean-shaven aside from a dusting of hair making up his five o’clock shadow. It took me a moment to realize this photo was from his wedding day because I couldn’t get past how expressive Tucker looked. But once I spotted the form fitting tux he wore, it was like my eyes had a mind of their own as they slid to the person standing beside him.
My breath stuttered in my chest.
Raleigh had been gorgeous. Chestnut-colored curls covered his head, and he was beaming as he looked back at me with the brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen. For a moment, my whole world fell away while I continued to stare at the man whose loss had left permanent scars on the home he’d left behind. Up until now, he’d been a faceless entity. A concept, but nothing real. Now he was just as much flesh and blood in my mind as anyone else on this farm, and something about that rattled me to my core.
“Beer.” Tucker’s gruff voice snapped me from the spiral in my head, and I quickly shifted my attention to him.
“Thanks.” My voice sounded shaky to my own ears, and it took everything in me to keep my hand steady as I accepted the cold bottle.
Those whiskey-colored eyes glanced toward where I’d been looking, and I watched as the reinforced steel around Tucker’s heart went right back up again.
“I forgot that was in here,” he grunted, turning to head back in the direction he’d just come from.
“Forgot?” I asked as I trailed after him.
“I use the back door mostly and it’s not like I have company over, so I don’t really go through the living room much,” he explained,leading me over to a large kitchen table and pulling out one of the chairs to drop into.
“It’s a great picture,” I said as I slid into the spot across from him. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that before.”
Tucker was silent for a moment, one thumb rubbing over the condensation of his bottle as he looked in that direction, and I wondered if I’d fucked up by bringing up how happy he’d been.
“Believe it or not, I’ve never been a big smiler. Grumpy has been my default since I was young, according to my momma. But Raleigh somehow brought it out in me.” A short pause passed before he muttered low, almost to himself, “And I can barely muster it since he’s been gone.”
Something behind my ribs broke at that. Tucker was so deep in his grief, and all I wanted was to pull him out. I wanted to be the one who put those smiles back on his face and showed him there was so much life beyond his loss, but after everything, would he let me? I could throw him a lifeline as he was sinking in the endless waters of Raleigh’s passing, but I couldn’t force him to take it. He had to be the one to tie himself in for his rescue.
After a moment, Tucker looked back at me, the weariness of the weight he carried so clear at the corners of his eyes tonight. “I need to apologize to you,” he started, and I lowered my eyes to my beer bottle.
“Is that how it’s always going to go between us?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are we always going to do this dance of one step forward, three steps back and you apologizing about it?” I picked at the label of my beer bottle, pulling back at the soft paper as I waited for a response, but when none came, I lifted my eyes to his.
They stared back at me, and for the first time, I saw the war he was waging inside them. Every slice and kick and punch thrown were so clear in his amber depths that I almost felt guilty for being the one to reignite another battle in him.
“That’s not fair,” he murmured low with no real anger or malice behind the words.
No. It wasn’t. But seeing Raleigh’s picture had shaken something inside me. All the memories Tucker had shared of him now had a living, breathing human in them instead of the blurry mass my mind had conjured. I could picture him at the front door watching the rain roll in just as easily as I could see the wide smile in that wedding photo. Every memory and every story now had a clear as day visual of a rugged cowboy with reddish brown hair and a slightly crooked smile. And I didn’t know if I measured up to that man Tucker loved so fiercely.
“What are we doing here, Tucker?” I asked, deflecting as I leaned back against my seat. “Why did you want me to come here tonight?”
His body began to vibrate in that familiar way when someone bounces their knee aggressively, and I waited till Tucker let out a slow sigh. He lowered his eyes only briefly to pop his hat off his head and run his fingers through his hair, but when he looked back up after replacing his hat, a sense of resolve was there.
“You’ve fucked me up from the moment you’ve arrived on this farm, Jackson. You stepped out of that truck, and my whole world flipped upside down. At first I thought it was just because you were wearing the same cologne as Raleigh. Thought I was just getting my wires crossed because you’re an attractive guy and you smelled like him. But even after you stopped, I couldn’t keep myself from seeking you out. There was a pull from the very beginning, and I hated it.”
He paused to take a slow swig of his beer while the heavy thumps of my heart against my ribcage became increasingly painful. Those golden hues stayed locked on the swirling liquid in his bottle as he spoke again.
“It felt like if I acknowledged what was happening here—that I could feel something like this for another man—it was somehow erasing a piece of Raleigh inside me. Like there couldn’t be enough space in my heart to fit both of you. So if I was going to take a chance on this, it would mean pushing him out, and I wasn’t ready for that.”
