‘Of course I’m not sick of you, Dylan,’ I said softly.
He smiled, and for one moment, one single, beautiful moment, I let myself imagine waking up next to that smile every day.
Then the boom guy dipped the mic lower, and the cameraman crept in closer, and Suzette scribbled something down on her clipboard, and the beautiful dreamlike bubble of the moment burst.
‘But I don’t think we should spend time together any more,’ I said.
‘What?’ he said, jerking upright. ‘Cece, don’t be ridiculous. I—You’re the only thing keeping me together.’
‘I shouldn’t be, though,’ I said, folding my shaking hands together in my lap. ‘You’ve been spending so much time with me, and it’s been great, and I’ve loved it, but you’ve got seven women here who want a future with you. You owe that time to them. To yourself too, so you can work out which one you see yourself with.’
‘Cece—’
‘Dylan, don’t. Please.’
He stopped. The silence stretched out, long and painful.
‘I want to keep spending time with you,’ I said quietly, looking at my hands. ‘But I’m starting toneedto spend time with you, and I… I can’t feel that way, Dylan. I can’t let myself.’
‘Is this it, then?’ he said. ‘The end of you and me? Just like that?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘We’ll always be friends. Of course we will. When we’re on the outside, we can talk as much as you like.’
‘I won’t be able to see you, though,’ he said. ‘Even when Stage Four restrictions lift, it’s not like we’re going to be able to run around and socialise.’
‘You’ll be too busy to run around and socialise,’ I said. ‘You’ll be with your girlfriend.’
He didn’t say anything.
‘And who knows, maybe I’ll be back here!’ I said, trying to make myself sound as light and bubbly as the last of the champagne. ‘Maybe if I ask very nicely, they’ll let me doWherefore Art Thou Romeo?and I’ll get my shot at seven boyfriends.’
‘Trust me,’ he said, ‘it is not all it’s cracked up to be.’
He picked up the grape stem and started turning it over and over in his fingers.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I don’t want you to think our friendship isn’t important, because it is. It’s so important to me. I couldn’t even start to tell you how important it is to me.’
‘To me too,’ he said. ‘It’s… You’re… you’re my lifeline.’
‘But I’m not what you came here to find,’ I said. ‘You didn’t come here for friendship. You came here for love.’
He sighed. ‘Can I…’
There was a rustle to my left. The boom guy, lowering the mic closer towards us.
‘Can you what?’ I asked.
‘Can I at least walk you home?’ he asked.
Nothing had ever sounded better to me than getting out of the many-eyed gaze of the cameras and the mic guys and the producers and finding some corner in the Convent where I could cry.
‘Of course you can,’ I replied. ‘Of course.’
Suzette wanted to film in-the-moment interviews with us straight away – ‘While it’s all still fresh!’ – but Dylan fobbedher off. ‘Later,’ he said. ‘I don’t think either of us is in any danger of forgetting what we said. Right, Cece?’
I just nodded. Even though I’d drunk at least two thirds of the bottle of champagne, my mouth had gone all dry again.
So had Dylan’s, apparently. He was silent as we loped down the hill together.
