"Ren," he rasps, his throat dry. His fingers flex a little around her hand. Renna shuffles even nearer. "Onyx, you're awake! Rexxan, look, he's awake!"
“I can see that, my love.” I feel his temperature and his pulse, checking his leg as he half opens one eye to look at his sister. The eye shuts quickly and a loud shout gets muffled in his throat.
"I know it hurts," I say, covering his leg. "You're twenty minutes away from another dose of pain relief, so try and push through."
His nostrils flare as he tries to regulate his breathing. I know he's in absolute agony, his leg broken and cut almost all the way through. It's a miracle he's still breathing.
"You're okay?" He asks, through gritted teeth, a concerned eye fixed on his little sister.
Renna nods, almost crying again. "I love you, O. You're going to be alright. I’ll help you every day."
"Will I walk again? Don't sugarcoat it," he asks, white knuckles gripping the edge of the table as his marigold eyes land on me. I perch on the edge of Renna's chair, crossing one ankle over my knee.
"The wolf bite went very deep. It damaged your bone, muscle, and your nerves. You won't be up and standing this month. If you were a mortal I'd say you'd never walk again, but as Evergreens our bodies are far more regenerative. Whether you'll be able to run and fight…I wouldn't expect to be climbing trees like you were before ever again. I imagine that you'll walk again, Onyx, but it may well be the result of months or even years of therapy."
Onyx shuts his eyes, saying nothing. "Ren, I just need some time alone."
"Onyx, I'll help you, whatever happens to your leg, I'll help you! We'll work it out, I'll help you walk again, I promise. I'll be right here, no matter what!" She says, clearly desperate to help him.
"Rennalya, please just go," he whispers, turning his head away. "Just leave me alone a while."
She looks up at me for help, her eyes wide with panic. "He'll be able to meet with a good healer? We can make sure he gets the best? Rexxan, you can help him too, can't you? You're a good healer."
My hand envelops hers, tugging her to her feet. "Let's give Onyx some quiet time."
Rennalya looks from me to her brother, back to me. She doesn't want to leave him, at all. "We'll come back when he's ready, Ren," I reassure her, and she kisses Onyx's knuckles.
"You just tell me when you want me, I'll drop everything to be here," she says, but he doesn't reply. "Yes?" She persists, her voice wobbling. Onyx gives her a slight nod and I have to pull her out of the room. We burst into the bustling hallway of the Healer’s Halls where people stop and bow to me, looking worriedly at Renna. I take her somewhere more quiet.
"Rennalya, he just needs time to process. You've all been through a lot. Give him time."
Small, tanned hands run through dark brown hair, tousling it a little as she paces a small circle. "But he'll just isolate himself. This is what he does!"
"Then perhaps it is his safe space, and whether it's healthy or not, I think he's earned it this week. Let him indulge in isolation, even if it's just today. You have to have time to process the lows before you can work up to the highs."
She says nothing but sways on her feet a little. She's sick and wounded, and I can see that just this small outing has drained the energy out of her.
She's still trembling when I put her back in bed after the short ride home from the Healer’s Halls, eyes wide with worry for her brother. "You need another few hours of sleep."
"Stay?"
She has no idea how much I want to stay and just sit next to her in silence so I can see for myself that she's alive and well beside me, but my life isn't like that and I don't have that privilege. Renna wants me here, but my people need me at the edge of the flooding. "I really do have to get back to the riverbank. I'll leave Lynna to sleep in here with you."
I whittle away the rest of the day working in the healing tents. Food is scarce, medicine is scarcer, but the sense of community is in abundance.
But not everyone will get their happy ending. Not everyone will leave this horrific year with all their loved ones. Renna won’t, and if Siddie doesn’t appear soon, neither will I.
Chapter39
Grief (Renna)
Lynna says that grief is just love with nowhere to go.
Rexxan says that grief is just rage, where no amount of shouting and screaming can ease it.
I have so much love for Stellan, it flows from my chest, out to my fingers, but when I reach for him, he isn’t there anymore. Instead the love stays right here in my own body, where it is not wanted or needed. It spoils and festers until something that was once so beautiful becomes agonising, weighing my limbs down like lead.
And gods above, I am angry. I amsoangry—with myself, with him, with the fucking sword that was in his chest—but what will shouting achieve? There is no volume I could scream at to reduce the agony that splinters my heart into two. No words I could shout that would bring him back. Just like the love, the rage stays within me, burning a painful hole in my splintered chest because it has no where else to go.
