Lex’s mouth drops open. I give my head a shake, thenmouth,you owe me ice cream!before turning back to the attempted incestuous throupling.
Unicorn Guy’s mouth drops open. “Wait,Mom?”
“Aubrey,” my mom says, finally able to clear her airway. “I didn’t know you were back in town.”
I squint. “I left you a voicemail the week I moved back. You didn’t see my missed call?”
She waves her hand. “I did, but I don’t listen to voicemails. Why didn’t you text?”
Of course, this is all my fault. What else is new? “I moved home about five months ago. Got a new job.”
“Well, that’s nice!” she says, sounding genuine, as if she gives a shit about me or my life at all. But I know better.
“I’m sorry, time out,Mom?” Unicorn Guy is deeply perplexed.
I look to my mom to explain, but she seems lost for words, glancing between me and her much younger boyfriend a few times as her mouth opens and closes. Of course she didn’t tell him she has a daughter—I was never an important part of her story. I eye my mother: platinum-blond hair parted down the middle, false eyelashes batting, forehead set in a permanently surprised expression from Botox, filler in her protruding lips and cheekbones evident. It’s almost impossible to tell how old she is with all she has going on, not that I’m surprised—she’s always been running away from her age. And her responsibilities. I’m sure this guy knows he’s dating a cougar, but she probably told him she’s a full ten years younger than she actually is.
“I had her young,” Mom tries to explain. “I mean, look at us, we could be sisters! I love what you did with your hair, Aubrey. Blonde really suits you.”
The second I get home I’m booking an appointment to dye my hair back brown.
“It’s actually kind of funny you swiped right on her,” Mom muses as she sips her wine.
Unicorn Guy looks sheepishly between the two of us and shrugs. “I guess I have a type.”
Mom laughs as I grimace. Being compared to my mom is a whole new low for me.
“You look good,” I tell her, which is honest. She always has. Other people finding her attractive has always been her main objective in life—even above parenting me.
My mom smiles at the compliment, though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “We should get together sometime, now that you’re back in town. Just the two of us,” she clarifies.
“Sure thing.” I cannot express how much I do not want to do that. Besides, it’s not like her invitation is a real one—she’s just trying to save face in front of her boyfriend.
“Wait, why’d you swipe right on a date with your own mother?” Unicorn Guy asks, still confused. “The third picture in my profile was us together!”
I sigh, remembering when we came across this guy’s profile picture a week and a half ago. We were a bottle of wine in, halfway throughAlong Came Polly, and Lex had said something hilarious that made wine shoot out my nose. I remember seeing Unicorn Guy’s great smile and thinking he was cute, but can’t remember if we scrolled past that first picture or bothered to read the words beneath it. Won’t be making that mistake again.
My mom takes her boyfriend’s hand and leans toward him. “Thanks for the surprise, baby.”
He pulls her in closer. “I thought for sure this was our chance for a threesome. I was so excited!”
I try not to throw up in my mouth. “Well, this has been interesting,” I say as I stand. “Good luck with... all this.”
Lex has already thrown a ten on the bar and is ready to go, joining me as I walk past her and out the door. As soon as we’re outside I take a big breath of fresh air, then regard Lex with a wary expression.
“Ice cream?” Lex asks.
“Hell yes. And from the fancy place, too.”
“You got it.”
Twenty minutes later we’re sitting at the park outside Banter with three big scoops each, licking melting dribbles as they make their way down waffle cones and onto our fingers.
“Wet wipe?” Lex offers, passing one to me.
I roll my eyes at her over-preparedness but take one anyway. Lord knows I’m going to need it.
“So, your mom...” she begins, searching for words. “She looks... good?”
