Levi
I knelt down in the dirt as I angled my lens, holding my breath as I tried not to move. A Montezuma quail perched just a few feet away from me, the high desert mountains rising up behind it, sunlight haloing his mottled feathers. The little guy was entirely too cute for his own good.
I’d woken up early so I could get out to the Davis Mountains before the sun came up. I wasn’t the only soul in the park, but it felt like it. I’d only spotted the occasional ranger and then an ambitious couple hiking down the trail together. My backpack was packed with snacks, water, and a first aid kit just in case. I’d sent Mateo and Avery a good morning text to let them know I was shooting pictures today.
I snapped a few shots, my muscles straining as I tried to stay still. With all of the physical challenges hockey had, I was finding that photography had its own set of them. Sometimes if there was an angle I envisioned, I had to twist a certain way to get it.
Worth it. I got a few more pictures and then raised my gaze, smiling as I took in the scenery.
I still wasn’t sure I was any good at this. But, when I was taking pictures and out in nature, I felt a sense of happiness. Ofpeace. And since my time here was winding down, I wanted to try to savor it.
My knees protested as I got up and stretched. The quail darted away and I chuckled as it disappeared into the shrubs that dotted the slope.
Maybe I was already adapting to the heat again, but it wasn’t even eighty-five out yet, and it feltcool.I held up my camera, looking through the lens and scanning everything, snapping more pictures.
I wished this could be my life.
Why can’t it be? That was the thought that was plaguing me.
Beyond Mateo and Avery, I was discovering just how much I loved this place. It was different from how I remembered it growing up. If anything, it was more boring in some ways. Quaint. Quiet.
And I loved that.
I loved the people. Even the old cranky lady that shot me a dirty look every time she saw me in town. I loved how everyone was in each other’s business, even though that was inconvenient. I loved the landscapes and the beauty of the Chihuahuan desert.
It felt right.
But was it?
My phone rattled in my pocket and I pulled it out absentmindedly, answering as I kept my gaze trained on the clouds that were turning a shade of blushing pink that reminded me of Avery.
“Hello?”
“Levi.”
Dammit. I swallowed hard and looked down at my feet. This was what I got for not looking at my screen before answering.
“Mom,” I said. “How’s it going?”
She let out that sigh. Themomsigh. The disappointed one. It activated some sort of wall inside me, every brick going up inplace as I tried to navigate whatever the hell she was about to say.
It wasn’t that she and I were on bad terms. We’d never been on bad terms before. That would require her caring about me outside of the small parts of her life she included me in.
“How about you tell me? You know, I’m shocked you even picked up. I’ve been calling. Texting.”
“Sorry I missed you. I’ve been keeping my phone off. It’s been a lot lately.” I hesitated, rubbing the back of my neck. “I guess you saw the news.”
“I did. Weeks ago. Then couldn’t get a hold of you.”
Well, fuck. “I’m sorry. I’m doing fine.”
“Did something happen?”
“Not exactly.” I pressed my lips together, looking back out at the mountains. They grounded me. And my words flowed out before my thoughts caught up. “I just . . . I don’t want it anymore.”
The silence was deafening.
“What do you mean, you don’twant itanymore?”
