“Are you going to tell me?”
“Are you sure you want to know?”
“Yes.” My jaw feels like a rusty hinge. I don’t think I’m going to manage more than a word at a time for a while.
“Okay,” he says. “I was looking at you.”
“Me?” My head is swimming. Connor isn’t making sense.
“Back then, I just noticed you. I didn’t have a name for what that feeling was. But now — now I look at you in my clothes again, and I know.”
“Oh.”
Connor looks down at me with tenderness and something else I can’t put my finger on. “I know you’re not used to hearing it, Tilly, but I think you’re perfect. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to convince you of that. From tomorrow. Because for now, you need to sleep.”
He finishes climbing the stairs and sets me down on the left side of the bed. He helps me remove the hoodie, my heavy arms completely useless, and hangs it up on the back of his door. For the second time today, he helps me into bed and tucks the covers around me. The light turns off, and I hear rustling and the thud of clothes hitting the floor, then Connor climbs into bed behind me.
“Snuggle,” I say sleepily.
“Always.” His arms snake around me, and I feel immediately at peace.
Chapter 28
Smile every day
Connor and I spend the following morning unpacking all of my stuff. Again.
I choose to unpack my clothes in my old room, despite Connor’s insistence that I keep sleeping in with him for the foreseeable.
“Head wounds are serious,” he tells me. “I need to be close in case you get ill.”
I argue a little, but it’s half-hearted. Truth be told, I’m scared of being on my own. Luckily, Connor hasn’t left my side for more than a toilet break at a time, and I couldn’t be more grateful. He’s managed to keep my bad thoughts at bay for the time being, through general chit chat, corny jokes and singing along to my favourite playlists.
He phoned his work first thing to let them know he was taking a week’s holiday, starting today. I was nervous that he’d get into trouble, and I started to panic, but his boss was more than understanding and told him it was about time he had sometime off.
Once there’s only a couple of things left to put away, Connor heads downstairs to make some lunch. Now that I have access to my own clothes again, I get dressed and follow him to the kitchen. When I sit on one of the bar stools, Connor frowns at me.
“You changed.”
“I couldn’t live in your clothes forever.”
“Don’t even bother complaining about it not being a fucking salad. That dick has a lot to answer for, putting you on that ridiculous regime.”
“I’m not complaining – this looks delicious.” I tuck into the quesadilla he placed in front of me before the cheese even has chance to cool properly.
“So, you’re not on the diet anymore?”
“I don’t know. It’s complicated,” I add when I see Connor’s disappointed face. “I don’t want to go extreme again, but I’m still not happy with how I look, and I’m going to feel pretty shitty if I’m not even trying to do something about it.” I rub my hand absent-mindedly over my tummy.
“Do you think you could take a week off, just focus on feeling better without beating yourself up? Then we can reevaluate when you’re in a better headspace.”
I think about it. It makes sense to take some time to recover physically, but I also know that if I pause the dieting while I’m at home doing nothing for a week, I’ll end up overeating and feel even worse about myself. Before I have chance to make a decision, Connor adds in an extra element that could swing my vote.
“I was thinking that you could probably do with keeping busy while you recover, but nothing strenuous. And I know how much you love the seaside. Anyway, I have a friend who owns a hotel in Llandudno, right on the front, and he’s got a room free for a fewnights. But being at the coast is no fun if you can’t have fish and chips and ice creams and stuff.”
I’m stunned. “Are you saying we can go away if I give up the diet?”
“Well, it sounds manipulative if you put it like that,” Connor replies awkwardly. “You can eat whatever you want, and we can go or not go, it’s totally up to you. I just thought you could use a break, and I remember how much you used to like going when we were younger.”
