But we haven’t. We spent a week together, five years ago, plus this three week stretch of the Luxury Tour.
When the timer goes off, she gets up to start getting ready for the show tonight, and when she rises to throw the under-eye masks away, she leaves the door open.
17 – Connie – Now
It’s the third and final performance of the first weekend, so Lilli and I watch the entire concert. As huge fans of Jennifer Lux, it’s honestly a great time, and I’m so glad I got to experience it with Lilli. Jennifer’s albums are so incredibly important to her, to both of us, really, but she takes it a step farther than me. There are times where she’s gone into a Lux mode and listened exclusively to Jennifer Lux for weeks on end.
I am a Lux fan, but I like other music too. Lilli has called me out on charges of blasphemy when I’ve mentioned it before, and she’s only mostly joking.
Jennifer’s music is so universal—a modern-day Shakespeare, if Shakespeare was a lesbian. I think that’s another reason why Lilli loves Jennifer Lux so much. When Lilli was twelve, she was introduced to Jennifer’sOutalbum, which was unapologetically raw and beautiful. It was a big deal, because she had love songs that were written to a woman from the perspective of a woman. I know it meant a lot to me to hear that song, and I also know it was a lifeline to Lilli when she was so scared of coming out to her parents. Thankfully, her coming out was met with love and acceptance.
Wish I could say the same for mine.
As the concert ends, Jennifer Lux plays one of her dance hits, “Confetti Rain”, and exits the stage.
“That was so amazing,” Lilli says, her voice a little wrecked from screaming along.
“You sound awful,” I laugh, but she just shrugs. “Good thing you have four days to rest before the next show.”
She nods, as if that was always the plan. “I heard from some of the dancers that there’s a little after party tonight.”
That’s news to me. I don’t think anyone is buying the bit that I’m Lilli’s personal assistant since they went to her directly, but also, they wouldn’t know that it’s only the illusion of a ruse. I’ve always been the one to keep Lilli on schedule and on track.
“Okay, and I’m assuming we’re going to that?”
“Well, you don’t have to. Ash can babysit me, which also means that if you do come out, you can have fun. You don’t have to worry about me.”
I think about how it might be nice to have some alone time with Eric tonight, but he hasn’t made a move since Friday night when we slept together. I don’t know what I expected, exactly, but maybe some validation that he wants more from me than just sex, or at least clarification that sex was the extent of our relationship.
Obviously, I haven’t said anything to Lilli yet. I don’t know why; I think she’d be thrilled about it, and maybe that’s the problem. I don’t want her to get my hopes up any higher than I will on my own. On the other hand, I don’t want her to shatter my hopes either, though that seems less likely than the first. Regardless, I don’t want anyone else’s input right now—except for Eric. His input would actually be very helpful.
“Hey, are you coming tonight?” It’s Michael. He’s got that overconfident smile, the kind that tilts his head back and tugs at the corner of his mouth like a fishhook. The kind of smile that almost feels like its own red flag.
Maybe tonight, red could be my favorite color.
The party ends up being pretty fun. Jennifer, the band, the singers, and the dancers are all here, and Lilli, Jennifer, and I talk for a little while about the process of putting out an EP and a debut album.
“Connie actually writes a lot of my songs,” Lilli says, and I want to kiss her; she’s just given me a huge amount of credit in front of the biggest singer/songwriter of our lifetime.
“She writes too. I don’t write all of them,” I say, automatically deflecting. I cringe a little internally. When did it become my default to discredit myself when I’m given recognition for what I’ve done?
“Oh, you’re Constance!” Jennifer beams, and I’m starstruck. Jennifer Lux knows my name! I keep my cool as best I can.
“I am! How’d you know?” It’s a fair question, I convince myself. Everyone just knows me as Connie.
“I saw your name as a writer credit!” Seriously starstruck.TheJennifer Lux recognizes my name,myname, from a writer credit. She must have heard a song and liked it enough to look. “We’ll have to get together and write something soon!”
Lilli and I agree and nod as Jennifer excuses herself to linger among her other guests.
“She likes our songs!” I cheer privately to Lilli. She does a little happy feet dance, bouncing from one foot to another quickly.
Then, all of a sudden, nothing feels real. This party, that conversation, the fact that I’m even here right now. I feel burdened and heavy, like there’s nothing keeping me upright except the stubborn structure of my spine. I see the thought in my mind’s eye more than I think it. I see myself dragging astolen pencil sharpener razor across my soft unsuspecting skin, and the urge hits me a little harder than I’m used to. I wonder if the bathroom here has any nail clippers, tweezers, anything to substitute. It’s been so long since I’ve done this, but it feels like muscle memory for my brain to jump from the urge to planning it out.
I catch myself and shut the process down. Some trains of thought need to be derailed.
Lilli excuses herself and I watch her go flirt with one of the back-up singers as Michael appears by my side.
“Glad you made it,” he says.
