I shook my head and started to get ready. I wanted freedom, and now, I had it. I shouldn’t waste it.
I put on a brown maxi skirt that was comfortable and cute, paired it with a cool grey tank top and a thin emerald green cardigan. I slipped on some dark brown sandals. I thought about how the brown reminded me of roots and a trunk of a tree, thegreen cardigan my branches and leaves reaching out, the stone-colored tank top a gentle layer of armor to keep my heart safe.
It felt strange to leave the house without Dolly’s hand in mine, without snacks for her. Just myself, phone, wallet, keys, lip balm, and my emotional support water bottle. I tossed all of these into a canvas tote bag I had painted with mine and Dolly’s hand prints. The walk across town was pleasant, but my anxiety was slowly climbing as I walked around the town square toward the Center, where music was blaring outside. People were hanging out there, standing in clumps. Some with dogs wearing rainbow bandannas, some folks in drag. I took a deep, grounding breath.
Before I could finish the exhale, I heard my name hollered through the party.
“Maeda!” It was Danielle, Tilly, and Gene. Danielle and Tilly’s nephew, Ben, was playing with a Tech Deck.
They engulfed me in a group hug, and I felt more at ease, anchored.
A Ford Ranger rolled up and parked in front of the Center’s open doors.
“Yes! The food is here!” Ben announced.
“Go see if you can help,” Tilly said to him. Ben pocketed his Tech Deck and ran over to the truck as the driver slid out of the cab and shut the door. When she came around where I could see her, my heart leapt out of my chest and into my throat.
There was no way…
“Wow, Nikki,” Ben said, “You look ready to feed an army.”
“Feeding the community, this is the gay agenda,” she replied. There was no mistaking her.
Nikki. Fucking. Thomas.
I turned away before she saw me, placed my water bottle on the small table, and checked the non-existent notification on my phone.
I kept my hair down like a curtain to hide my face. I felt like theWizard of Oz— pay no attention to the woman behind the hair. Every cell in my body was alert of Nikki as she moved from her truck into the Center. I couldn’t tell if I was breathing normally. When Nikki reappeared for a second trip to unload the truck, I ducked inside straight to the bathroom. I saw the large stock pots that had been set near the serving kitchen and barreled past it. I got in the bathroom and once I was securely in a stall, I hung my head in my hands.
How did I not think about her showing up? I hadn’t seen her in six years. It was a whole lifetime ago.
The door opened. Danielle’s voice called out. “Maeda, are you okay? We saw you bolt in here.”
“Do you need a TUMs?” Tilly’s voice followed.Great.
I cleared my throat, “No, thanks. I’m okay… I just… need a minute.”
“Baby, you sound panicked,” Danielle said.
“Do you need a Xanax?” Tilly chimed in again. “I have a weed pen, if you need a hit.”
I choked out a laugh.
“You can talk to us, Maeda. We are a safe space.”
My eyes trained on the small white and blue tiles that made up the bathroom floor. The blue round tiles made little floral designs. I took another deep breath. “I just… I saw someone I didn’t expect to.”
“Oh?” Danielle said. I could tell from the inflection in her tone that her eyebrows were raised, and she was giving Tilly a look. “Are you okay?”
“I’m just… it’s fine. I’m just shaken a little. She probably wouldn’t even care that I’m here.”
“She who?” Tilly said.
I felt like we were all holding our breath. I opened my stall door. Tilly had a hand propped up against the bathroom stall.Danielle had one hand holding the other with her thumbs to her lips, waiting.
“Nikki Thomas,” I whispered, her name heavy in my mouth. Guilt and embarrassment warmed my cheeks.
“Did something happen between you guys?” Danielle asked.
