Page 41 of Before I Lost You

Kenneth gives me a wobbly smile. “When I was about seven. My mom got me a Polaroid camera, and I was hooked. I had an entire wall in my bedroom of Polaroid pictures. People, animals, sunsets.”

“Your favorite,” I say with a small smile, and he returns it.

“Yeah.” He nods. “And then one day we went to the beach and my life changed. I loved the horizon. I loved how beautiful the sun looked setting behind the water.”

“Tell me more.”

“I want to take a picture of you with that backdrop.” He smiles shyly. “My new sun.” My breath catches in my throat as I look up at him with wide eyes, getting lost in the electric blue of his. The fingers in my hair tighten, and he asks, “What?”

“What are you feeling right now?” I think about how his eyes have looked this exact color before. I remember asking myself if this was the color of his eyes when he’s in love. When he feels it acutely. “Tell me.”

He purses his lips, “That’s a secret.”

“I want to know all your secrets,” I reply to that.

“Maybe someday soon,” he says, his eyes looking into mine with so much adoration I’m afraid I’m going to fly away. The only thing tethering me to the earth is his hand in my hair. “But I’ll tell you part of it, if you want.”

“Please,” I breathe, unsure of my voice. I’m afraid it will break from all the emotions swirling through my chest at the moment if I speak any louder.

“You scare me,” he tells me. “You make me fucking terrified.”

I frown. “Why?”

“Because, Conrad.” His eyes are still that mesmerizing and intense electric blue. “You make me believe in forever.”

My breath catches at his words, and my body feels like I’m being burned alive. “Don’t play with my heart, Ken.”

“Never,” he whispers. “I love your heart.”

I loveyou.

Fuck. I want to say it so badly. My body rebels against the words passing my lips, though. It’s too soon. It’ll scare him. I can’t fucking risk it.

I blink back the moisture in my eyes, and he notices, but doesn’t say anything. He brushes his thumb against the corner of my eye gently, wiping a lone tear that escaped, and he smiles. It makes my heart beat faster, louder, and less rhythmically.

“I love yours too,” I whisper back.

Kenneth gives me a heart-stopping smile. He needs to stop doing that. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to survive him.

What if I don’t?

Chapter 15

THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME

The sun is setting behind me, the waves lapping at my feet gently. The water is slightly colder now, but I don’t have much time to think about it as I look into the distance, posing for Kenneth. He wanted to take pictures of me with the sunset as the backdrop, just as he told me a few weeks ago in his studio, and I’ve realized I’m unable to deny him anything at all. Whatever he asks for, it’s his.

It’s two weeks before my twenty-seventh birthday, and I decided to bring him to the spot where my dad and I used to come when I was younger, just for one night. It used to be our bonding time—quality time. We’d come alone and enjoy the beach, restaurants, and fishing. I’ve already shown Ken my favorite lunch and dinner spots, and he even let me take him fishing. I’m sure it’s not his thing, not really, but he did it for me, and I’m grateful he was up for the full Moore-men experience. He’s surprisingly good at it, though, which I told him repeatedly, and his grin got bigger the more I praised him.

Now I’m doing something for him, because I’m sure this is exactly what he wanted when I mentioned I wanted to bring himhere. I hear the shutter go off over and over again, and I can’t help but grin and look at Kenneth. He takes another picture, then puts his camera down and narrows his eyes at me. He looks so fucking cute that I can’t stop my laughter, throwing my head back, my body shaking with it. When I look up again, he has his camera raised again, and he’s taking even more photos of me. I wink at him for good measure, and he shakes his head with a grin.

Ken turns around and goes back to the dry sand, a little ways up from the water since it’s almost high tide, and puts his camera down. He said we had to be quick, that the water was gonna get higher and stronger soon after sunset, but I still want to stay here even as I notice he’s right. The water is splashing my legs a little higher and harder, soaking through my tan linen pants and making them stick to my skin. I shiver when the wind blows against me, looking down at the water, but when I look back up, he’s right in front of me with his phone in his hand.

He comes to stand next to me and turns me toward the sunset, then grabs my hand and holds it. We stare at the sky for a minute, and then he raises our hands and takes a picture of them. I chuckle again, knowing it has to be the worst picture he’s ever taken, but he turns around just in time to see an old couple walking the beach right behind us. He runs to them and stops them, and I can vaguely make out their conversation over the sound of the crashing waves against my legs. He just asked them to take pictures of us.

My heart can’t fucking take it.

I watch as he hands his phone to the lady, and he runs back to me, jumping into my embrace suddenly. He wraps his legs around my waist, and I grab his thighs with my hands, gripping him tightly. When he leans in and kisses me, I don’t think about it, just tilt my head back and kiss him too. First with my eyesopen because I can’t miss a fucking second of it, but when his fingers tangle in my hair, I finally give in and close them.