Page 44 of Before I Lost You

RIGHT PERSON, WRONG TIME

I’m not sure how long we’ve been lying here staring up at the night sky, the waves crashing loudly in the background. It could’ve been minutes or hours by now, but it doesn’t really matter to me. With his body tucked against mine, head on my shoulder, my hand in his, resting on his chest, everything is perfect in my world.

Kenneth’s heart beats steadily under my hand, breaths deep and calm too. I don’t know how he does it. Just being around him makes me nervous in a way I can’t explain. It’s not logical. He’s not doing anything specific to make me feel this way, other than existing. But the lack of logic to it doesn’t stop my breathing from getting faster, doesn’t stop my heart from pounding even harder and louder in my ears at his proximity. And when he turns his head and looks into my eyes like he’s doing now? I swear I’m about to go into cardiac arrest.

His eyes drop to my lips for a beat, then return to my eyes. I want to kiss him so badly. To feel his lips against mine. I’m desperate for it. So I lean in, pressing my lips to his softly. It’s a chaste kiss by all accounts, and it lasts only a few seconds, but itrevives me all over again. This—exactly this—is what I need. To love him, and god, do I ever. I just think if I said the words, I would scare the shit out of him. He’s still flighty, even though I can’t deny he has improved. Still, I can never be too careful. I’m waiting for him to make the first move when it comes to the big declarations.

Looking back at the sky, I find my favorite constellation and point at it. Ken’s eyes follow my finger, and he frowns until I start connecting the stars with my pointer finger. “Do you know which one that is?”

“Should I?” he asks with amusement. “I’m not sure I’ve ever paid attention to the stars before.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” I say affectionately. “You’ll pay attention now.”

“So what constellation is it then?”

I connect the stars with my finger again, tracing the sky, then look at Kenneth. “It’s Orion’s belt.” His eyes narrow, and he looks like he’s thinking hard. “Artemis and Orion? Ring a bell?”

“Uhhhh…” He shakes his head.

“It’s a love story,” I reply softly, letting my hand fall to my side. “Greek mythology.”

“Wait—” Ken’s eyes widen. “Isn’t that like a tragedy or something?”

I snort. “Aren’t most love stories?”

Ken looks thoughtful again. “I hope ours isn’t.”

Butterflies invade my stomach, and I lie down on my side to look at him better. He follows my lead, lying on his side with the towel under his face and staring at me again. “Do you know the story?”

“Not really.”

“You’re right—it is pretty tragic.” I sigh, then lift my hand and run my fingers through Kenneth’s hair. We’re definitely goingto have sand in unholy places after we leave here. “But it’s also beautiful.”

“How is tragedy beautiful?”

“Because even through the darkness, their love shines.” I smile and close my eyes. “Artemis and Orion were in love, but Apollo, her brother, was jealous of it. He became spiteful and tricked Artemis into shooting a tiny target in the ocean. Turns out, that target was Orion’s head as he swam.”

Kenneth whispers, “Fuck, that is pretty tragic.”

“Artemis was destroyed. She was so sad that she made that mistake, and loved him so deeply that she placed Orion’s body in the sky as a constellation.”

He stays silent, and when I open my eyes, he’s frowning.

“I like to believe we live in the stars after we die,” I whisper, and realize it’s probably one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever shared. Probably because I’m afraid he’ll make fun of me. “That people will look at the sky and search for me when I’m gone. That someone will still love me when I’m not here anymore.”

Kenneth stares at me.

“I know you probably think that’s silly—” I shake my head. “I just—”

“That’s not silly, baby,” Kenneth says softly, bringing his hand up to my face to trace my jaw with soft fingertips. I shudder and lean into his touch. “That’s beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.”

I stare at him, unsure of what to say. He looks like he wants to say something else, so I stay quiet.

“It feels like I’m drunk, Conrad,” Kenneth whispers. “Drunk on you. On us. I don’t ever want this feeling to go away.”

I suck in a sharp breath. “I think I love you.”

Kenneth’s eyes widen at my words, and I see the panic in his eyes, then on his face. My breath catches in my throat at the realization of what I’ve just said. I know I’ve fucked up when hepulls away and breathes hard, lying on his back now. Before I can try to fix it, he sits up and stares at his hands.