Page 56 of Before I Lost You

“And if something happens?” I ask.

Kenneth’s hold on me tightens, and the breath whooshes out of my lungs with force. But then he kisses the back of my neck tenderly again, and I melt into the bed.

“Then you love me there,” Kenneth says with conviction. Firmly. “And I’ll love you here. And somehow, eventually, we’ll find our way back to the same place.”

“You feel inevitable,” I admit softly. “Like something that was always meant to be mine.”

“Weareinevitable,” Ken reassures me, burying his nose in my hair. He sighs softly. “So, if you’re scared, then be scared with me. But don’t think for one second there’s a version of my life where I stop loving you.”

I sniffle. “And if I’m gone?”

“Then I’ll love you long enough for both of us.”

That has to be enough.

It has to.

Kenneth buries his nose in my hair and inhales deeply, making a little sound of happiness, causing me to smile. His arms tighten around me, and before long, I hear him fall asleep again. I don’t think he meant to, but he’s really tired. I don’t blame him, though. Instead, I try to close my eyes and sleep too, shaking my head when images from my dream come back to haunt me.

No.

It wasn’t real.

Get it out of your head.

I sigh and try to clear my mind, and before long, I’m falling asleep too. This time, there are no bad dreams. I’m just wrapped up in a cocoon of warmth that smells and feels like Kenneth. It’s soothing, and I lean into it, hoping above all that I never dream of this again. Because I can’t stand the thought of losing him.

That’s my biggest fear.

Why did it feel so real?

Chapter 21

YOU MAKE IT EASY

It’s been two months since the first time I dreamed of dying, and though it hasn’t happened again, I can’t help but have a sense of impending doom. And I don’t even know why I feel this way. It’s confusing and infuriating, living while holding my breath. Waiting for something that surely won’t happen, yet felt so fucking real.

Kenneth hasn’t brought up my nightmare again, but we’ve been living together for two months now, and I have a feeling he’s waiting to see if it’s going to come back. He looked scared for me back then, and he said it’s because I was screaming and crying in my sleep. I guess I’d be terrified too if I woke up to that. Even worse, if it happened to him, the love of my life. So I can imagine he doesn’t wish for a repeat. Sometimes I notice he doesn’t look convinced when I say I’m fine, but the truth is that there’s nothing I can do but tell myself it wasn’t real. And thankfully, it wasn’t.

Even through the stress that the dream brought us, I can say these last four and a half months with him have been the best of my life. I never thought I’d have something like thiswith anyone. A connection that surpasses anything I’ve ever experienced before. As a chronic commitment-phobe, I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d be stargazing with a man and professing my love for him. That’s for damn sure.

I also never would’ve thought I’d also love his mom, but we’ve been spending time with her as much as we can. He goes to see her every day now that she’s slowly deteriorating even more, and I see her on my days off. The doctor says she has maybe a few months left—two at most. It’s been hard on Kenneth, and I want him to know that I care, that I’m here for the hard times as well as the easy times. I think he knows by now, but I show him every chance I get. And even though he refuses to talk about her because he’s still having a hard time opening up and being vulnerable, I know that as long as I keep showing up, he’s getting everything he needs from me.

It also helps that she loves me, too, and she tells Ken she’s proud of him for letting me in finally. She told me she feels relieved that I’m here for him, that he won’t be alone once she’s gone, and we know that’ll be soon. And even through that, she told me to take him away for the weekend to help him not think about it. She says he needs a break, and though I was hesitant, she insisted.

Now, here we are in Maine, spending the weekend together. And if I have a choice in it, we will be together forever. I want to grow old with him. I see it all play out behind my eyelids as he drives us to our destination—the proposal, the wedding, the life. The dog, even. I’d give him anything he wanted.

We’re headed on a day cruise to watch nature and wildlife at Acadia National Park. We’re at the very end of the whale watching season, and I wanted to bring him here to watch his favorite ones—the humpback whales—before they close for the season. He doesn’t know that’s what we’re doing, not exactly. I only put the address into the GPS and told him it was somethinghe was going to love. I just want to see the look of surprise on his face as he drives up to the establishment.

The cruise is supposed to last around two hours, and we’re going to be watching the coast of Mount Desert Island, which I saw pictures of, and it’s stunning. There will be whales, dolphins, puffins, and even seals. Kenneth is a lover of the ocean, and I can’t wait to see his eyes sparkle as he takes it all in. I even thought about proposing today, but two things stopped me. The first thing: it would be moving too fast, and I don’t want to spook him. And the second thing: I really think maybe he’d like something a bit more private. More intimate. That feels more like something he’d like than a grand gesture with fifty other people as witnesses.

The tires crunch on little rocks, and I look up to see the parking lot. We’ve finally arrived, and Kenneth has a look of confusion on his face as he reads the name of the establishment. Bar Harbor Sunset Cruises. He looks at me briefly before scanning the space for a parking spot, then takes it. Once he’s parked and unbuckles himself, he turns his body toward me and raises an eyebrow. It makes me grin, but he doesn’t budge.

“Well?” he asks, exasperation clear in his voice. “Are you going to tell me why we’re here?”

“I think the name gave it away, baby.” I shrug. “What do you think we’re doing?”

“We’re in a national park…” Ken trails off. “In Maine. What is there to see here?”